They Won't Go To Counseling Now What?!?!

Why Your Loved One Refuses to Get Help (And What Actually Works Instead)

You’ve sent the articles.
You’ve shared videos.
You may have even made the appointment for them.

And still… they won’t go.

If you’re trying to get a spouse, child, sibling, or parent to get help—and nothing you do seems to work—this post is for you. And first, let’s get one thing straight:

You are not failing.
And there is nothing wrong with you.

This is one of the most common struggles people face when loving someone who clearly needs help—but refuses it. In fact, it’s the exact reason the “whole family model” exists in addiction and behavior change work. For years, people would call and say:

“I really want you to see my husband… my sister… my son… but I can’t get them to come.”

Sound familiar?

Here’s the truth most people don’t tell you:
You can’t convince someone to get help.
But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless—it just means you need a different approach.

Why People Resist Getting Help

Before we talk about what actually works, you need to understand why your loved one is resisting in the first place. Almost all resistance falls into one of these four categories.

1. They Don’t Think They Have a Problem

At least, not a real one.

When someone is in denial, and you keep pushing the idea of “getting help,” they don’t suddenly wake up. Instead, you lose credibility. In their mind, you become the one who’s “overreacting,” “dramatic,” or “making things up.”

The more you push, the more they dig in.

2. They Think They Can Handle It Themselves

Some people do recognize there’s an issue—but they believe they’ve got it under control.

They may say things like:

• “I’ll cut back.”

• “I’ll deal with it on my own.”

• “I don’t need help.”

To them, outside help feels unnecessary or even insulting.

3. They Have a Negative View of Counseling or Treatment

For some, “getting help” carries baggage.

They may think:

• Counseling is for weak people

• Treatment is for “crazy” people

• It’s awkward, uncomfortable, or pointless

If that’s their belief system, your suggestion automatically hits resistance.

4. They’ve Had a Bad Experience Before

This one is huge.

If your loved one tried counseling or treatment in the past and it didn’t help, their thinking is often:

“I already tried that. It didn’t work. No thanks.”

From their perspective, avoiding help is logical—not stubborn.

Why Pushing Harder Backfires Every Time

Most people respond to resistance by doing more:

• More facts

• More evidence

• More conversations

• More urgency

But here’s what’s actually happening psychologically.

When someone feels pressured, cornered, or controlled, they activate a defensive reflex. It’s not conscious—it’s automatic. The harder you push, the more they defend their position.

You may even be unintentionally reinforcing their resistance every time you bring it up.

A Real-Life Example of This Reflex

Here’s a quick story that shows just how powerful this is.

I once scheduled a call with an agency I was already planning to hire. I had heard great things about them—from multiple people I trusted. The decision was basically made.

But during the call, I felt pushed.

Nothing the person said was technically wrong. They asked the right questions. They made solid points. And yet, the more they talked, the more resistant I became.

By the end of the call, I didn’t want to work with them at all.

That’s how strong the human need for control is.
We don’t like being pushed—even toward something we already wanted.

If Pushing Doesn’t Work… What Does?

This is where most people get stuck. They think there are only two options:

1. Keep pushing

2. Give up

But there’s a third option—and it’s far more effective.

Stop Selling Your Solution. Start Solving Their Problem.

Right now, you’re trying to sell your loved one on getting help.

But they don’t want help because:

• They don’t think they need it

• Or they don’t like the idea of it

So instead of focusing on what you want, shift the focus to what they want.

Ask yourself:

• What are they unhappy about?

• What do they complain about?

• What frustrates them?

• What do they want to change?

That’s your entry point.

Reframing Help So It Actually Lands

Maybe your loved one doesn’t see substance use as the problem.
Maybe they see stress, conflict, money, sleep, work, or you being “on their case” as the problem.

That’s okay.

You can even say something like:

“I don’t know if you need this or if it would even help. But it would really make me feel better—and I could stop harping on you.”

Ironically, that approach often works better than insisting they need help.

Motivation Is Already There—You Just Have to Listen

Deep down, your loved one is motivated to change something.

Listen closely and you’ll hear it:

• Complaints

• Griping

• Frustration

• Repeated problems

Those are the levers.

Instead of framing help as “treatment” or “counseling,” frame it as an easier, faster way to solve their problem.

And if they hate certain words, don’t use them.

Why Packaging Matters More Than You Think

Think of it like wrapping a gift.

If your niece loves pink, you don’t wrap her present in black paper with a plain bow. You wrap it in pink with a big pink bow—because that’s what appeals to her.

Same idea here.

Understand your loved one’s perspective, then package the solution in a way that fits their values and beliefs.

Stop Accusations. Start Questions.

When you say:

“You need help”

What they hear is:

“You’re broken.”

That hits shame—and shame shuts people down.

Instead:

• Ask questions

• Listen more

• Offer options instead of ultimatums

People usually already know their solutions. They’re just hesitant to act on them.

One Powerful Shift That Works Almost Immediately

Validate their resistance.

If they had a bad experience before, say:

“I get why you wouldn’t want to try that again. It makes total sense.”

If they think counseling isn’t for them, say:

“You’re probably right—this might be way too touchy-feely for you.”

Validation doesn’t mean agreement.
It means understanding.

And when people feel understood, their defenses drop.

Help Should Feel Like an Option—Not a Demand

When you present something as:

• Optional

• Experimental

• Something they can walk away from

You avoid triggering that rebellious reflex.

They’re far more likely to consider it instead of slamming the door shut.

Want Help Navigating These Conversations?

If you’re dealing with a functional alcoholic spouse—or a loved one who “isn’t that bad” but clearly isn’t okay—this is exactly what we work through in the Motivation Unlocked Challenge.

It’s a 5-day live coaching experience where you’ll learn:

• What actually motivates your loved one

• How to talk without pushing

• Which levers to pull—and when

So you can stop having the same argument over and over and finally move toward real change.

Because there is a better way—and you don’t have to do this alone.

Amber Hollingsworth

👇Additional Resources:

💡 Amber's 30-Day Jump Start for Early Recovery
🧠 Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching
🔐 Rapid Relationship Repair Course
📱 24/7 Advice from Amber AI
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Consult with a Family Coach