Why They Keep Choosing Addiction Over You

Are They Choosing Addiction Over You? The Neuroscience Behind Alcohol, Pills, and Broken Promises

If you’re reading this, chances are someone you love keeps choosing alcohol or drugs — and it feels like they’re choosing it over you.

Over your marriage.
Over your kids.
Over your peace.

And that hurts in a way that’s hard to explain.

You’ve probably thought:

• How can they choose drinking over our family?

• How can they see what this is doing to me and still keep going?

• Why am I coming in second place to a substance?

Let me say this clearly:
You are not crazy for feeling this way.

The rejection feels real.
The abandonment feels real.
The betrayal is real.

But what if they’re not actually choosing addiction over you?

What if something else is happening inside their brain?

Understanding this could completely change how you approach addiction in your relationship.

The Addicted Brain: What Neuroscience Really Shows

Here’s what most partners don’t realize:

When your loved one says on Sunday morning,
“I’m done. I’m choosing you. I’m going to stop.”

They probably mean it.

In that calm moment, their prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for logic, consequences, and long-term thinking — is online. They can see the damage. They feel guilt. They want change.

But addiction doesn’t live in that calm state.

Addiction lives in activation.

When stress builds…
When cravings hit…
When emotions spike…

The brain shifts into survival mode.

And neuroscience shows something powerful:

In active addiction, the part of the brain that weighs consequences gets quieter — while the craving and reward system gets louder.

It’s not gone.
It’s dimmed.

Why They Can Love You and Still Use

One client once asked,
“Every Sunday, he cries and promises it’s the last time. By Thursda,y he’s drinking again. Is he just lying?”

The answer?

Not exactly.

In the moment of craving, the brain tells lies that feel true:

• “I’ll just have a couple.”

• “She won’t know.”

• “I’ll make it up later.”

• “This time won’t matter.”

• “I’ll quit tomorrow.”

They believe these thoughts in the moment.

The addicted brain minimizes risk and maximizes reward.

This isn’t about intelligence.
It’s about brain chemistry.

What Addiction Has in Common with Teenagers and Falling in Love

Brain scans of people in active addiction look strikingly similar to those of three other states:

1. The teenage brain

2. Someone newly in love

3. Someone is having an affair

In all of these states, consequence assessment is compromised.

Think about teenagers. They know something is risky — but in the moment, their brains can’t accurately weigh long-term consequences.

Or think about being newly in love. Friends see red flags everywhere, but you literally can’t see them clearly. Your brain is flooded with chemicals that override caution.

Addiction works similarly.

It’s like being in a relationship with a substance.

The “danger” voice is still there — but it’s barely a whisper.
Meanwhile, the craving is screaming at full volume.

Why Confrontation Often Backfires

Here’s where this matters most:

When your loved one is in that activated state, they are not weighing:

Alcohol vs. my wife.
Pills vs. my kids.

Their brain is in fight-or-flight.

It’s screaming:
“Fix this now.”

And the only solution it recognizes is the substance.

When you confront them while they’re activated — crying, threatening, demanding — their brain categorizes you as part of the threat.

You represent:

• Consequences

• Pain

• Reality

Not safety.

That doesn’t make you wrong.
It explains why confrontation often fuels defensiveness instead of change.

They’re Not Choosing Addiction Over You — They’re in Survival Mode

This is the shift:

They’re not consciously choosing alcohol over your marriage.

Their brain is operating as if the substance equals survival.

When craving hits, logic dims.
Risk assessment weakens.
The lies feel reasonable.

This doesn’t excuse betrayal.

Lying, broken promises, stolen money — those are real harms. Your pain is valid.

But understanding the neuroscience helps explain why someone can:

• Love you deeply

• Cry in regret

• See your pain

• And still use again days later

Knowing and doing are controlled by different brain systems.

And in active addiction, the system that “knows better” has the volume turned way down.

So What Do You Do Instead?

If force and confrontation don’t work, what does?

You stop trying to be chosen.

And you stop trying to out-argue addiction.

Instead, you:

• Refuse to participate in the cycle

• Set clear boundaries

• Stay emotionally regulated

• Let consequences exist without rescuing

Instead of:
“How could you choose alcohol over your family?”

Try:
“I can see you’ve been drinking tonight. I’m going to stay at my sister’s. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

No lecture.
No attack.
No rescue.

Just a boundary.

You’re not enabling.
You’re not shaming.
You’re stepping out of the threat signal.

When you remove yourself from the fight, you give their brain space to come out of survival mode.

And that’s when real choices become possible.

The Key Takeaway

They are not waking up thinking,
“I choose alcohol over my spouse.”

Their brain is stuck in a pattern where the substance feels like relief, safety, or survival.

Your job is not to make them choose you.

Your job is to:

• Stop escalating the cycle

• Stop trying to force clarity

• Start creating conditions where clarity can return

This is influence.
Not control.

This is a strategy.
Not begging.

And if you’re exhausted from trying to be chosen, I see you.

You are not second place because you’re not enough.

You’re dealing with a brain that isn’t functioning at full capacity in active addiction.

Understanding that truth can shift everything about how you move forward.

Amber Hollingsworth

👇Additional Resources:

💡 Amber's 30-Day Jump Start for Early Recovery
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🔐 Rapid Relationship Repair Course
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👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Consult with a Family Coach