Turning Challenges into Opportunities_ A Guide To Family Recovery
===
[00:00:00] Just because someone gets sober, it doesn't necessarily mean that all the problems go away. Especially doesn't mean that the whole family dynamic is healed. We, when someone's in active addiction and they're in a family, all the energy and all the effort goes towards getting them sober.
And we're really running from a mostly fear based place if you're the family member. And if you're the addicted person, you're also going from a fear based place as well, but once a person gets sober, we think that everything's going to be great. Now we might realize that the addictive person still has triggers, which we're going to talk about in just a second, but a lot of times we don't realize that as a family member, we don't realize that we're not better as in the hurt, the pain, the resentments.
All of that is still brewing inside of us and it sits right [00:01:00] at the surface and it doesn't take a whole lot to trigger us into meltdown. In fact, I think sometimes family members, when the person's in early recovery, the family members are more fragile oftentimes than the person in early recovery because a lot of times when people, I've noticed this with my recovery coaching clients, when they decide that they're going to do it and they're really ready.
It's like they're ready and they're in and they'll actually, I've heard this several times this week from recovery coaching clients. They'll say things like, you know what? It's actually not as hard as I thought it was. I haven't even wanted it the way I thought I would want it. And it's, and they'll say, I've stopped before and it was just really hard.
I stayed craving, I just wanted it constantly, but this time is different. And I think that comes from this mind shift. And what happens to the person that's in the recovery is once they Are there they're there and they feel pretty solid, but it's taken a bunch of trial and error to get there.
It's taken a bunch of back and forth [00:02:00] to get there. So the family, they don't know the difference in this time that you're saying it's better. And in the last 20 times, when maybe you thought it was better, but it wasn't, or maybe you never did even intend to do anything different, you were just, getting your family off your back by saying whatever, and so there, there becomes this.
triggering dynamic between the addicted person or the recovering person, early recovering person and their loved ones. The person in early recovery wants to put it behind them. They're actually feeling much better. They're, it feels good. They're maybe even sometimes like excited about what's going on and they're enthusiastic about maybe new relationships or new job opportunities or new hobbies that they're doing.
But it's like they're moving on and they're moving forward and that can be especially frustrating and triggering to their family members. I feel like a lot of times you live in that fear based place for so long. Once the addicted person gets [00:03:00] sober. The anger starts to erupt, the resentment, the pain is still there.
And by the time you get there, a lot of times you have some like complex PTSD type symptoms as a family member, and it doesn't take a lot to trigger you. So we're going to want to go over some of the really common triggers for both people in early recovery, but. Also for family members. And I want to talk about how we can take those triggers and make those opportunities for growth and learning and moving forward, instead of it always being opportunities for backslides and arguments and conflict and difficulty.
Because triggers are just there. It's just a piece of information. And once we learn to identify what's going on. what the information is trying to tell us, we can better make decisions on how to react, respond and how to better get our needs met. Let's start out today by talking about what are the common triggers for people in early recovery?
And then we'll move into what are the common triggers for the [00:04:00] loved ones of the people in early recovery. So naturally we think the, I'm not even going to talk much about these first three because they're just like a given people, places, and things. We hear that all the time. You go to certain events and it reminds you of whatever it was you used to do, like going to the lake or being with a certain friend or hanging out a certain place or wearing certain clothes.
Those can be natural, like what I call external triggers that make you have memories of using, drinking, gambling, whatever the addiction was. And those memories, if we entertain those memories too long, if we go too far down memory lane, we can trigger ourselves into a craving. But there are other types of triggers other than those people, places, and things, those external kinds of triggers.
A lot of triggers for people in early recovery are more internal and they're more what I would say is either state based or emotion based. And I feel like those don't get enough time and [00:05:00] attention. So I want to spend more of our focus on those today. When a person in early recovery is feeling defensive, like if they're feeling backed into the corner, they're feeling like nothing that they can say is ever going to make it better.
No one's ever going to trust them again. They're being accused when they know they didn't do it, even though they know that. It's the accusation is justified or that they've lied so much. They can understand why the other person's accusing them or something is still triggering and it makes them feel defensive.
And that defensiveness can easily lead to the thought of it's never going to get better. I've already burned all these bridges or they're never going to believe me anyway. And then followed up by, I might as well. Fill in the blank, go back to X, Y, Z, old behavior. And it's easy to get ourselves into that place.
Another emotional state that's a big trigger for people in early recovery that we are, we actually, most people don't even realize. is when [00:06:00] they're excited or they're really proud of something. Like they got a promotion, something really great happens, or it's a holiday or it's a special event, or, it's something that they're excited about just the same way as being under a lot of stress and emotional turmoil can be a trigger.
Being excited and wanting to celebrate. That's another time when people usually engage in their addictive behavior. So that excitement feeling that looking forward to something that actually gets us out of our sort of normal baseline of the way we feel and the way we operate, that can also be a huge trigger for a lot of clients.
I see that's a bigger trigger. And I think the reason it's a bigger trigger is because. People know to have their guard up towards difficulties. Like they know to have their guard up when they're having conflict with someone or they're stressed at work or something like that. They don't even realize they need to have their guard up for the really great positive things that happen.
Maybe they've been working on a really hard project for a really long time and finally they finish it. There's this [00:07:00] celebration urge that happens. And if they're in early recovery, all the ways they know how to celebrate probably have to do with. And so it's that, it's almost like a go to reflex a trigger.
Overwhelm can obviously feel like a trigger for people when there's just too much, they're juggling too many things. Oftentimes people in early recovery, not only are they trying to learn how to like live life clean and sober, which is hard enough, like literally just the basics of going to work and dealing with social events and all of those kinds of things, learning how to do those without the addictive behavior, that's hard enough.
But. It's never that simple. It's never just, okay, how do I go about doing ordinary things without using drink and gambling, whatever. Because you're not just doing normal things. You're actually usually digging out of a really big hole in early recovery. So you're under an abnormal amount of stress and difficulty.
The people in your life are upset with you. Oftentimes you may [00:08:00] have a lot of financial stress. Your job may be in jeopardy. Maybe you've flunked out of college for the third time and you're feeling like there's no way I'm ever going to be able to get back in school. So it's not even just, how do I Go on this normal playing field and live life and be in recovery.
It's like, how do I dig out of this massive, giant, like hole that I'm in and stay solid when it feels like the whole world is coming at me and you're trying to juggle all of it. All of that at once. And not only that, you lay it on the top, your family, they're excited for you on one hand and they're happy and they're glad, but they won't let that happiness and gladness get too far because they're afraid to get their hopes up.
So even though they're happy for you and they believe you, they're always watching you with that sketch eye. And. It feels like you're under a microscope. It feels like everything you say or do is being examined. And if one little thing happens, it's almost like there's all these little hidden [00:09:00] landmines.
And if you accidentally step on one, it's going to blow up on you. And that can also be, very overwhelming. It puts people in a defensive state and it can make you want to just throw your hands in the air and say, forget it. One of, One of the first addiction programs I ever ran was an IOP, an intensive outpatient program for teenagers, and one of those teenagers used to always say, you hike seven miles into the woods, you gotta hike seven miles out.
And I feel like that's a good thing for us to remember because in early recovery, if you're the addicted person, you know that you're done this time. You feel different. You feel hopeful about the future. But, There's still a lot of damage that's been done. There's amends that have to be made.
There's, you're just going through your regular life and you run into somebody at the gas station or grocery store and it's a really uncomfortable moment. All of these things are coming at you and it's difficult. It's easy to get to the point where you want to throw your hands in the air.
But what I, Tell people in early [00:10:00] recovery about dealing with cravings and dealing with triggers is that Most of the time especially if it's one of these internal kind of triggers it's really just your body telling you that you need something or that something's missing It's your body trying to tell you something you may be having the thought.
Oh, I want to drink. I want to use I want to Go shop and buy things if that's your addiction or whatever, because that's your automatic response to that feeling. We just immediately jump. We almost like skip over identifying what the feeling is. And we just know it's the feeling of, I need a drink really.
And it's this immediate go back into my old behavior patterns because it's an automatic. We've done it so many times. But what you have to do is instead of being upset that you're having a craving or that you've been triggered, it's normal and it's natural. And what I encourage you to do is back up and say, okay, what is going on with me?
What is the message that this emotion is trying to tell me? Maybe this emotion is trying to tell me I need to take some [00:11:00] space. This emotion is trying to tell me I need to like, Scale everything down and cut some things back that I'm trying to do right now A lot of times in early recovery you feel like you're so far behind the eight ball though You don't want to do that.
You don't want to slow down and think through it You don't want to scale back because you also feel like you've got a lot of making up to do But you've got to Listen to those emotions because it's like a hunger pain telling you that you're hungry. You need to stop and say, okay, I need some nutrition.
And it might be easy to grab that candy bar that's in your purse or whatever, because it's just an automatic. It's there. It's easy. But if we'll stop and say, okay, I'm hungry. I need some protein to get through the day or figure it out. What is it that you need? Maybe you're tired. So stop and listen to your body.
It's Figure out what it is that you really need and solve that problem. And not only does it make the craving and the trigger better, but you feel pretty proud of yourself after that. And it reinforces that you can do it and that you are doing it. And it really [00:12:00] helps to propel you in the right direction.
And then the next time that happens, you now have A new neuropathway, you now have the beginnings of a new habit and before long those old triggers they get replaced by new habits, new healthy neuropathways, new other coping skills, and it's not such an automatic anymore. Let's move on to talking about the family triggers, because that hardly ever gets talked about.
There's a million relapse prevention programs. There's a million coping strategies and all these things for people in early recovery, but there's not much out there for the family members. So here you are, you, maybe you've done the invisible intervention. You've watched all the other videos, you've done all the things and your person is finally getting sober and feeling better.
It might even Tick you off that they're feeling better, right? You might even be ticked off that they're feeling so great. And oh, they just want to go like hike with their friends or whatever, or they're just all about their meetings. It can almost hit a nerve with you because you feel like, Oh my gosh, you've put me through [00:13:00] hell and back.
And now you're just like, it's all great and gravy and you're so happy to be sober. You can almost be left with this feeling about what the crap. What about us over here? Because this other person is moving on with their life. And it's very frustrating to you as the family member, because a lot of times you're not moving forward as fast as the person in early recovery.
You still have a lot of wounds, hurts, resentments, bad memories. You have a lot of your own overwhelm because chances are you've been taking on a lot of the responsibilities way more than your share, you've been taking your responsibilities and theirs. And sometimes other people's, especially if you're a parent.
And so you feel like I need a break. You feel like you're living on edge. Not only are you living on edge because you're so scared that they're going to relapse, that's there, but just these raw emotions that are sitting right at the surface. And one of the things that I notice is that A lot of times families, it's almost like it's crazy that they make it through the addiction and that they start to get on the other side, but [00:14:00] I see a lot of families that actually start to fall apart after the person gets sober because the person in early recovery.
Either doesn't have the skill set or doesn't know how to help their loved one feel better. They may know that they need to do things to earn trust do your sober link or take your drug test or account for their time or where they've been or stuff like that. They, that's normal.
It's like an automatic, but as far as the hurt feelings and the resentments. They usually don't know what to do other than say they're sorry. And let's be honest, the sorry just doesn't cut anywhere because they already said it so many times. And even if we know they're sorry, and we believe them is.
Still doesn't heal the hurt and the pain. So we're walking around just raw and edgy and irritable and impatient. And those feelings, it just feels like it builds up into a volcano. It has nowhere to go. And oftentimes I deal with, on my end, I usually deal with the personal [00:15:00] recovery and they're just telling me like, is this ever going to get better?
And. They'll have a real good awareness that they have really messed up. They'll be able to own the damage that they've caused, but they just don't know how to fix it. And then they begin to feel hopeless and they inadvertently do things that trigger their loved one. Like one of the things they do is they try to avoid any conversation about it because it's so uncomfortable for them.
And when you're trying to avoid, Conversation about it. It's triggering your loved one to think that you're being sneaky and shady and it's just this feedback loop That one thing triggers the other and back and forth and back and forth And it's so hard to get out of that. Some of the top triggers for families would be a relapse obviously, right That's like obvious, but even it's like a thought, a perception that you have that they relapsed, you don't know for sure, but you're thinking, or they just look funny or they had that walk or they smelled funny or they were five minutes late.
And then you're thinking they've relapsed. That's going [00:16:00] to be an obvious trigger for you, but there are other less obvious ones. When you're stressed out, your defenses are also down. And just like they're digging out of a hole, you're digging out of a hole and you're also very stressed out because the financial stress, it doesn't just impact them.
It probably impacts you all the other things, they may be thinking, how are you ever going to get on your feet? Because you fell out of school three times, those stressors go both ways. So when you're stressed out, And you feel like, okay, now you're in recovery, but I'm still having to do all the childcare and I'm still having to pay all the bills and you still need help getting on your feet financially.
Those are going to be big triggers for you because you feel like you've been carrying the load for so long. If you're not careful, you're going to lose it. And the other person is what the heck happened? I just said, I need to go to a meeting. I'll be back. At nine, because I'm going to have coffee with my sponsor after, they think they're doing the right thing.
They're just telling you, Hey, it's going to be, I'm gonna be late in my meeting. And then the [00:17:00] next thing they know, the loved one is just melting down and screaming about all the things you ever did and reminding you it's once the meltdown starts, every memory. Every bad thing floods the loved one and then they're just throwing it at you and the person in early recovery is I don't know what to do.
It's just frozen in fear. Sometimes they'll just say, I'm really sorry. Okay. I'll come home and they're avoidant and they're just trying to say whatever to make it go away. And then other times it just depends on personality. They're defensive. And then they'll say things like, look, if you're never going to forgive me, then just forget it.
This isn't going to work. Or like, how long is it going to take me to get your trust? Or, it's like nothing I ever say or do is good enough for you. They'll be defensive towards you, which then triggers the loved one more because what they're really needing is something else in that moment. We're going to come back to that.
So just hang on to it. Another thing that triggers loved ones that you might not even think of as a is when you are doing something to help the other person out again. Maybe you're helping to pay a bill or you're helping to fill [00:18:00] out an application or you're helping watch their kids while they go to a job interview or something like that.
It triggers you because you feel like You're back in that old position of carrying all the responsibilities. It triggers you because you feel like, am I just enabling? Am I being dumb? Am I falling back into their crap again? Are they lying about it? And so you start to spiral back into that part of you that's scared, that's confused, that's not sure if they're being told the truth.
And, maybe they just ask him for a small favor and you may just lose it because you're like, no, you're out of favors in your own mind. And you're so frustrated, you're way past your limit. Another thing another obvious one is any kind of something that happens that brings up a trust issue.
If a person is the smallest bit dishonest with you, it doesn't have to do anything with recovery, but maybe they said they took a 30 minute lunch, but they took a 45 minute lunch, right? And the only reason they're saying that is because they know you might worry if they say they [00:19:00] took a 45 minute lunch.
If they say something that's not 100 percent honest, it can send the family member spiraling. And just like people in early recovery, they have these weird, random triggers that even surprised them. They're like, I didn't even think about that being a trigger. So do you, as the family member, it can be a song on the radio.
It can be seeing another person out in public that your loved one used to use with or something. And then all of a sudden you're not even prepared for it, but it like slaps you in the face and then you're like, You feel like you're melting down. And normally when the family member gets that trigger, they want to verbalize it to the person over at Early Recovery.
Verbalize is probably not the right word. They want to melt down, yell, scream, have a tantrum because they're so overwhelmed with emotions. And on some level, they realize that I probably, I'm not handling this correctly, but then there's this other thing that says, I don't care. I know I'm acting crazy, but you made me crazy.
And so you feel [00:20:00] justified in interacting with your early recovery loved one that way. And so you're just like it's honestly, to be honest, it's abusive behavior. If you looked at it in reverse and your loved one was doing that to you, you'd call me up and say, they're being abusive to me, but you don't even realize it because it's just such an emotional sort of outburst, I guess is what I would say.
And that can go on anywhere from a few minutes to a few days, dependent on your own personality. Are you a person that tends to worry about things and hold on to things that can last even longer? And, Even though, like I said, even though you know that's not how you would talk to anyone else. You're so hurt by this person you feel somewhat justified in your behavior.
And even if you are emotionally justified you got to remember it's not effective and it is abusive, even if this other person has done a million things to you, it still is not helpful to give them a taste of their own medicine, to totally lose your cool on them, to chase them around the house, to invade their privacy in ways that you haven't [00:21:00] agreed on.
All of those things are still out of bounds. And that makes you as a family member even more mad because it's okay, I've already done this hard work. I've kept my mouth shut, Said all the nice things that Amber said I had to say, now they're in recovery and now I'm still having to keep it in.
And the thing of it isn't keeping it in. Here's what I want you to do. Just like a person in early recovery, I want you to stop and say, okay, number one, what is triggering me here? Put your finger on it. Have a conversation with someone and process it if you're a verbal processor. Journal about it.
Do not interact with your loved one about this trigger just yet because you're not gonna do it very well. So first of all figure out what's triggering you and then figure out what it is that you need. Because most often what we do is we just lash out on the other person because we're just upset and that pain is just spreading automatically In not helpful ways.
And we don't stop to think what I need because a lot of times what you need is reassurance. What you [00:22:00] need is someone to come closer to you. Most of the time, what you need is. Is the opposite of what you're getting. And it's because of how you're trying to get it. A lot of times you're looking for reassurance.
You want to know that someone hasn't relapsed, but the way you're going about it is to accuse them of relapse. And then when they try to tell you the truth, they say you've said that before and how am I supposed to believe you? And you, it's you're wanting reassurance, but you're not allowing it to happen.
And. And even worse, if all you're getting is defensiveness from them, then you're even more upset. So you've got to stop and say, what is it that I need in this moment? Maybe what you need is just a break. Maybe what you need is for them to handle a responsibility and you don't have to tell them every bad thing that they did in order to get them to do that.
And you don't have to remind them of all the favors that you did for them in order to get them to do that. It's just. It's just an emotional reaction, but it's not the best way to get your needs met. And so [00:23:00] if you can stop and you can say, what is it I need right now? I need them to take responsibility for this, or I need them to deal with the kids so I can go to my meeting or I can just have lunch with my friends.
If you'll just say, Hey, could you do this? You don't even have to bring up the old stuff. Or you could say, it'd be so awesome if you did this, or I really need a break right now, or I really need, some closeness with you or some time with you, whatever it is, just ask for what you need, you'll be a lot more likely to get it.
And then that actually, allows for healing that actually allows to you to fix the trigger to deal with the issue to solve the problem as opposed to if you just emotionally react to the trigger like big chances are you're going to get the opposite of what you need which is going to keep you in a triggered state.
State because then your loved one's going to start avoiding you more and them avoiding you as a trigger, because it reminds you of when they're sketchy or if they get defensive, it reminds you of when they were hiding stuff. And so you, [00:24:00] both people have to learn how to reprocess their emotions, how to actually get their needs met in a healthier way.
And it's just really hard when you're both, you both feel like you're walking on that tightrope all the time. It's just super. Tough, but we have to have grace for each other. Even if we've hurt each other in the past, if you've come this far and you're in early recovery, I'm like, come on, man, we're almost there.
Like we can get there the hard work we're, we've done the hardest work. Like now we just need to take muster at whatever patience empathy, kindness that we can muster towards our loved one. Even if we're hurt, I'm telling you, you'll get your needs met better. And just because someone has done something in the past, whether it's the family member or the addicted loved one, throwing it in their face is not going to help you.
And I've seen it go both ways. So this isn't even me beating up on one or the other. This is both [00:25:00] ways. You're always trying to control me. You're always lying. It's both ways. So we have to have that empathy and understanding for where that other person is, give them some room and space, but we also have to take responsibility for figuring out what it is that we need and asking for it in an appropriate way.
Instead of demanding. are controlling or insisting or threatening. Those are old behaviors that we did when we were in the addictive family cycle and getting out of that is no easy task. But that thing that you've been waiting for and looking for that closeness, that like good marriage, that good relationship with your kids, that success is just on the other side of it.
You're so close. You're right to the finish line. Do not just give up and. Lose it all right here when you've come so far. It just breaks my heart when I see that. All right. We are about to take some questions from those of you who are watching live. As always, I appreciate you guys showing up. It's super weird when you're talking [00:26:00] to yourself.
So when you're here, I feel like we're in this together. So if you've got a question, a comment, concern, The more specifically it's related to the topic, the more likely Bree will put it up here and we'll get it answered. If you're watching the playback, Hey, we're glad you're here too. If you'd like to ever join us live, we're live Thursdays at 1 p.
m. Eastern, and hopefully you can catch us live next time. Bree, do we have any? Questions here. Debbie says, are there telltale signs that a loved one in recovery is being triggered? Do they try to hide it? Yes, they do try to hide it. And that's a really great question. And family members always say, if you want to drink, if you want to use, if you're triggered, come tell me.
But they don't want to tell you because they think you're going to melt down. They think that you think that they're going to have relapse. And to be honest, chances are they're right. I know you feel like you're going to handle it well. And maybe you might even externally handle it well, cause you've been taking all the amber glasses and you [00:27:00] got it.
But internally. It's going to throw you for a loop and it's so common to say, tell me if you're triggered. Tell me if you're craving, but if they tell you that You're going to get scared. How are you not going to you're going to get panicked and so the loved one is going the addicted loved one is going to try to hide that from me I do think it's helpful if they ever do tell it to you then what I want you to know is that's great.
If they're telling it to you, they're not intending to act on it. Because I promise you, they're not going to tell it to you if they're going to act on it. So if they do end up telling you they're triggered, then, hey, be calm, be cool. Be, that's when people tell me they're triggered in session, they've had a craving, they had a bad day.
It does the opposite of make me worried. It makes me feel good. It's okay, number one. They're insightful. They're aware of the trigger They're telling me which means they're not wanting to act on it. Like it's all good But to be really honest as the family member, do you really want to hear? I was triggered by looking at this hot woman and I wanted to look at pornography again No, you do not want to hear that.
So be honest with yourself About what you [00:28:00] can and can't hear. And don't over try to analyze whether they're triggered or not, because if you're hovery like that, then that becomes the trigger for the person. Robin says, question. We give an example of a process statement, appreciation for all you do.
Thanks. What Robin is talking about here is when you're having a conversation with someone, there's the content of what you're talking about. Maybe you're talking about the schedule for the day. You're talking about who's going to do some chores. You're talking about whatever it is, a TV show.
That's the content. The process is the dynamic that's occurring between the people. As you're having the conversation. So a process comment might be something like while that, that, that spoke, I could see a reaction out of you. What's going on there. I noticed that when we talk about this, we both get really tense or I noticed that if I bring this up, it seems like you want to shut down.
So you're talking about. What's happening to you and to the other person and to the relationship. That's the [00:29:00] process of what's happening. And a lot of times people get bogged down into the content when it turns into these arguments. One of the things I say is if couples are arguing about taking out trash.
Let me tell you, it's not about the trash. It's not about the trash. And you got to get into the process of it to figure out what it's really about. And if you can make a process comment, it actually, a lot of times will prompt someone to say what's really going on and get out of this arguing about things that, you that don't matter.
How many times you find yourself arguing about stupid things that don't matter? Is it brown or is it black? Does it matter? But we get caught in that content. We got to get above it into a process comment. Katie says, my husband is still hanging out with the same people from his using days and keeps relapsing.
Is it my place to tell him his friends are triggers? Oh, it, let me read that again. It's not my place to tell him his friends are triggers, right? And that's the question. Here's this. I love this, Katie. This is really good because what's happening right now is you're being [00:30:00] hyper vigilant to what his triggers are.
But what's really happening is. You are being triggered by the fact that he's hanging out with old using friends. And so this is a perfect moment for, instead of you figuring out. So the answer to that is no. Everyone knows that being around using people is a trigger. If they're still doing it anyway, then it's because they think they can either deal with the trigger or they think it'll be different this time.
And there's nothing you're going to say that's going to make that better. So do you say something? No. But what you do is you realize this is a trigger for you. And then you can decide what you want to do about it. Do you want to talk to your recovery coach about it? Do you want to bring it up in your al Namini?
Do you want to talk to your loved one about the fact that it's a trigger for you? And if you want to have a conversation with them about that, then decide, okay, how am I going to have a conversation with them about that's not going to make them triggered? You can say something like, I know I get really uptight when you want to hang out with Jean because I always think something bad's going to happen with Jean, I'm going to try to do better on that.
And then a lot of times, if you'll just say that, they'll say something that might reassure you back. They may say [00:31:00] something like, yeah, no, he's still drinking all the time. And sometimes I think I don't need to spend any more time with him. Doesn't that make you feel better if you know that they know?
So if you say it to them in the right way, that'll give you what you need. Or they're way more likely to give you what you need or at least get closer to it. If you tell someone you need to stop hanging out with, you're using friends, people, places, and things, whatever, and you give them Blex or you send them Amber Video, whatever, you call their sponsor and tell their sponsor to talk to them.
Don't do that. That's out of bounds, but anyways, you do all those things. They're going to start defending their relationship with that person and tell you why they've been friends forever and why this is a coworker and why you're going to put them in a position to defend why to keep doing it. And that's the last thing you want to do because it's triggering you.
All right. What's next? That was a great question, by the way. Wa Kim says, Hi Amber. Thanks for all you do. I'm no longer in the bad guy role. Nice. Very nice. But now my loved one found a new bad guy and it's [00:32:00] always venting and confiding me about them. I'm confused about how to handle it. Welcome to my world, Kim.
You have moved into the Amber spot. So now you've moved into the trusted confidant. So in some ways not in some ways, but in a lot of ways, that's a really good sign for you because they're coming to you with issues. They're coming to you with frustrations. And this is going to be a trigger for you though in some ways because you're thinking, okay now I'm out of the bag I roll, but you're still just seeing yourself as a victim.
You're still just blaming everybody else. But honestly, if you'll just use the same reflective listing skills and processing skills, people usually figure it out. Just ask questions. Just be concerned. It feels like they're not going to figure it out, but they'll figure it out a lot faster.
You'll react that way than if you try to confront them about victim thinking or blaming other people or the fact that maybe they're the one causing the problems with that other person. Try really to avoid that and focus on the fact that they must really trust you because now they're [00:33:00] coming to you with things, which means you have a lot of influence.
Now you just got to decide how you want to use your influence.
Abundance. Oneness says, question. My husband has promised to stop drinking to me and the kids was doing well for about a month. And now as time has passed, he's under stress at work. He's expressing self pity and wants to see about proving he can drink just one or two and not overdoing it. My kids and teens will be extremely disappointed.
Do I address this with my kids or just let them experience it as it happens? Okay. Let me start with what I like about this. What I like about this is I can tell that you know already, the question isn't should you say something about it, you're not even asking me that, which tells me that you know it's going to go down.
That's right, you are getting all gold stars, getting 100, you're right on track. Your question is whether or not you should talk to your kids about it. I think it is okay to talk to kids about it and what I would say is and kids, In teens, especially, you can say, you know [00:34:00] what, you know how sometimes we have to be given a chance to try something and we have to learn our own lessons and we have to be able to make our own mistakes?
And they'll say, yeah, because they feel like that. They feel like you should let them learn their own lessons. And then you can say, dad's going to figure this out. If it doesn't work, then we'll go back to the drawing board. But we have to give people the chance to figure things out. And I think that they can understand that.
Debbie, thank you so much for the super sticker. I appreciate that. That's awesome. Thank you.
Ivan and Lydia says, What if I fear that my loved one has relapsed in secret multiple times, struggling with whether to call it out or let it be? This is a really good question. I would probably, If you're going to call it out, I would probably wait until something is happening, because if you bring it up and it's I think you relapsed last month or last week, I don't know how well that's going to go over.
But if something is happening and you have that sneaky suspicion, just make a process comment and make it about you and not about them. Just say, [00:35:00] Hey, I feel like I'm getting, I feel like I'm seeing signs or something like that. And I could be overreacting, but I just want you to know, if you're If you mess up, it's okay, I'm not going to freak out.
I'm not going to lose it. So you're just setting the stage that they can tell you. A lot of times they do resist telling you cause they think you can't handle it. And to be honest, it's probably because you haven't handled it well in the past. So it's hard. I do have a video called on this channel.
It's older videos about do I tell someone if I have a relapse, you might want to take a look at that. That might help you, even though it's geared towards the person, it might help you to understand that.
Stephanie says this is my week this week partner is in early sobriety 120 days or so and every time I see a worrying sign. I get so anxious and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack tips for managing this. You're already doing the first tip Stephanie, which is you're recognizing.
What you may want to do is you may, when you see something worrying, I want you to stop and [00:36:00] ask yourself, is it something that I need that this person might could do that would make me feel better? Maybe it's just, I just need to feel connected to them and we haven't had any time together. Maybe it's, I just need some reassurance.
Maybe it's I, whatever it is, think about what it is that maybe would help you to feel better. And then just ask for that, but ask for it without, Accusing them, ask for it without freaking out, ask for it without saying something terrible is going to happen or bringing up the past. Just say, Hey, I'm super anxious lately.
Could we blah, blah, blah. Or could we talk about this or whatever? Just ask for it in that way. And you'll be more likely to get. Whatever it is that you need that might help that feel better. Married a long time says going on vacation next week. My loved one is still drinking And the next day he is tired want to be active this trip want to go places and I shut down How do I not shut down?
Okay. So what I think you're saying is You're both going on vacation I think, I thought you were saying like you were going to go and they're going to [00:37:00] stay, but it sounds like you're both going to go and you're worried that they're drinking is going to ruin the vacation. Cause it's like they're drinking one day and then they're drunk or they're fine.
But then the next day they're really tired. Want to go places. I want to be active this trip when I go places and I shut down. So just plan for, can you go to those places without that person? And you don't even have to have a, Big fit. You don't even have to say, if you wouldn't be drinking, we could do this together.
You can just say, Hey, I know you're feeling crummy or you may want to sleep in tomorrow, but I'm going to go, I'm going to go do this or whatever. So you don't have to hold yourself back. You also don't have to lay it on really heavy to them. But I would plan on some things that you can do, make you feel like you got your vacation too.
You got to be active and you got to go do fun things. And hopefully that'll help you feel a little better about the situation.
Bri, do we have time for one more? Alright, here's our last one. MD says, Is it okay to help someone figure out what their triggers are and how to avoid them? For example, if they carry cash, they will slip, so I [00:38:00] suggested leaving a card at home and having no cash. It's only okay if they bring it up, or if they carry it.
Identify the issue or if they ask for help. If you're saying, hey, I know having money is going to be a trigger for you. You should probably leave it at home, whatever. They're going to feel like that's controlling and they're going to feel like that's intrusive. And to be honest, if someone came at you with some kind of problem you have and they just came at you and said, hey, I know you Whatever, maybe you should do this.
It's like unsolicited advice and it doesn't go over very well. But if they come to you and they say something and then they're processing with you and you're brainstorming, then that's totally cool and that's helpful and that's advice that's being asked for. So that's okay. All right. I think that we are running out of time for today.
Thank you so much for everyone who joined us live. I hope this was helpful for you. If you think this video could help someone else please share it. Never share as a weapon. Don't share it as a, in your face, but. But if someone is [00:39:00] looking for this information, that would be awesome. And as always, there are more resources in the description.
If you want to have a consult with one of our experts, if you want to do recovery coaching with me we have a free Facebook group for family groups. There's all kinds of resources. Check them out in the description and I will see you next week. Bye everybody.
