Confronting The Aftereffects Of Addiction
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[00:00:00] When you're in the middle of addiction, it feels if we can just get to sobriety, that will fix everything. Unfortunately, that's not quite the case. Getting sober actually just gets you to the starting line of being able to get better. There's so much damage, destruction, and trauma that's been created in the wake of addiction, that then there is a whole separate process of healing all of that hurt and pain.
And that hurt and pain is on both sides. So in today's video, I'm going to be addressing how to help the other side heal from the trauma of addiction. And by the other side, what I mean is if you're the addictive person in early recovery, how do you help your family member? And I'm also going to talk about if you're the Family member, how do you help your loved one in early recovery?
Everybody's recovery is their own responsibility. Okay. But. Let's be real. There are some things you could do to help it [00:01:00] out. So I'm going to tell you exactly what those things are. And we're going to start with what the person early recovery can do to help their loved one.
And even if you don't feel like you're in. Recovery yet, but you're trying to get there and you're making steps in that direction. You could Start on some of these now and you could even begin the healing process as you're figuring out the recovery process These are just good relationship healing things that are going to go a long way The thing that happened this week that brought this topic to my mind is one day this week at lunch, I was talking to Kim.
A lot of you guys know Kim. She's our, she's one of our family counselors. And we were treatment teaming about someone that's in our, recovery coaching program. And I see the husband and she sees the wife, which is pretty common around the office. And I said, and she was basically filling me in on some of the wife's concerns or whatever, and the frustration she was feeling.
And then, and [00:02:00] this, Person, the husband, the one I see, he's been sober for quite a while. And I said, it feels like lately we've had a string of people that even after the loved one is sober and like doing really good, that they're just out, they're just done, they're just exhausted. And then it's they can't take it anymore, which is strange because while the person is in the active addiction, a lot of times the family member is just so consumed with getting them sober.
It's like this focus and this fixation. It. Helps to, I think, block out some of those trauma feelings. It helps you to not really absorb everything that's really going on. And a lot of times after someone gets sober, then it starts to really hit home and then your unhappiness. And that's really hard on both people.
When that happens, it's really hard because it's wow, I've already went through all this traumatic, terrible stuff with this person. Why would I leave now? And then for the addictive person, it's Seriously, you said if I did this, we're going to be fine. And now I've done it and it's not enough.
So that's that's what brought this topic on really is like, [00:03:00] how do we get past everything that happened, right? The addicted person usually just wants to forget it ever happened. And the family member never wants to forget that it happened. They never want to let it go. In fact, they usually want to talk about it all the time.
We're going to talk about how much to talk about it and that kind of thing. So hang in there. Let's move into what the addicted or early recovery person can do to help their loved one heal and move forward and trust you more and forgive and not be bringing up all the stuff. You know the drill. It's going to help them, but helping them is going to help you tremendously.
So it's a double bonus here. Okay. The first thing that your family member needs from you is they need for you To be able to talk about it. One of the biggest, most common frustrations that I hear from family members is they [00:04:00] will not talk about it. If I bring it up, they'll either blow up or they'll just start a fight or they'll just shut down and stomp on me.
Or they'll just give me the silent treatment and not talk to me for three weeks or they'll just. They'll literally tell me if I bring it up, they're going to leave me. And I get why that is because it is extremely uncomfortable. It makes you feel super squirmy, right? You're embarrassed about what's happened.
You have regret about what's happened. You have a tremendous amount of shame about what's happened, but when you can't talk about it at all, what happens is they, hearing you talk about it, lets them know that and that's what they need more than anything else. They need to know that, you know, and usually, I, I know that the people know, cause they're talking to me about it.
And the, usually it's like the person has great insight. They get it. They're remorseful. They feel bad, like all the things, but they don't ever want to say it to their. [00:05:00] That's their parent, their spouse, their sibling, whoever that is. And it's part of the reason why you don't want to bring it up in early recovery is because that there is like this volcano of resentment, hurt and fear and this other person, and you are literally afraid to get near it.
And it feels if you bring it up, it's you're bringing the match up close to the, leak of gasoline or something, right? And so you're scared to do that. However, one of the things you can do to alleviate some of that pressure on the other side, that resentment, anger fear, all that stuff that's making them like a hot mess and making them come at you in a very uncomfortable kind of way is to talk about it, not all the time.
And what I mean by talk about it is just share with them some of the insight that you have. Think about, what is it you would be telling me about it? And I'm like, have you told them that, it would do your loved ones a lot of good to know that, to know that, that it is an addiction, first of all, to know that, that what [00:06:00] you did.
So that's the next piece, the talking about it. The things you want to convey are that you're insightful into the problem and that you understand that problem hurt them. I know you didn't mean for it to hurt them. It doesn't mean that you're an awful choice. Hey, they hurt you too. We're going to talk about that when we get to their side.
I'm going to be fair. Okay. But you got to acknowledge that your choices had an impact on them that probably wasn't good. Let's face it. Okay. And they will heal so much faster if you can just talk about it every now and then. Okay. If they watch this channel, then it's probably going to be a little safer to talk about it.
Cause if your family watches this channel, then they're going to know. To keep it cool when you do talk about it and if you're trying to talk about it And they can't keep it cool then send them over to the channel and we'll get them fixed up All right, so they need for you to be able to open up about it some there are some things that You [00:07:00] might not want to open up with your loved one because it might They might not be.
It might be such a trigger for them. It's too much to handle. So when I'm saying open up, I don't necessarily mean tell them every bad thing you've ever done or tell them every time you had the thought that you wanted to drink or use or get high or whatever. But it's the insightful things. It's the wisdom that you have and the wisdom that you're gaining and the intentions that you have.
Be transparent about that. And it will go a million miles towards helping your loved one heal. The next thing that your loved one really needs from you is they need you to hold up your end of the responsibilities. In most cases, maybe not every case, but in most cases, if you've had an addiction, you've probably been dropping the ball.
Maybe you're still going to work and maybe you're still doing excellent work, or maybe [00:08:00] you're still going to school and your grades are still good, but chances are, at the very least, you have been dropping the ball at home. Whether that's financially helping, Whether that's emotionally being present, whether that's helping with the children whatever that is, there are ways you have dropped the ball and your loved one has probably been holding up their responsibilities and a lot of your responsibilities for a very long time.
And they are. Exhausted. And this is a really big ask of me. I know because it's you got to work your recovery program. You need to like talk to your counselor. You need to go to meetings. You need to listen to podcasts. You need to meditate, need to exercise. You need to go to church, whatever.
Do all these things for your recovery. And I want you to have difficult conversations and I want you to jump in there and let them be a teammate, be a contributing family member again. Man, that will alleviate some pressure on your loved one so much. [00:09:00] And then their attention is going to go down. Guess what happens when their attention goes down?
Your attention goes down because they're bringing you a lot of attention. Can you feel it? Can you feel the heat? We'll talk more about the heat in a second. I know that you do and that's why you're almost just. So nervous to be around them at all, because you're just afraid you're going to set it off.
So hold up your end of the responsibilities, be open to talking about it from time to time. Just let them inside your head a little bit, just be transparent. Other things you can be transparent about are things like if you're going to be running late, if you had to pull some money out of the account, if you've had to pay a bill and it costed more than you thought, go ahead and just preemptively communicate those things.
Most of the time. Those things wouldn't have ever been a big deal, but when you're in the situation of early recovery, they are a big deal because if you, any of those things will set up all these like alarm bells in your loved one. And if you don't preemptively communicate with them about it, then. The conversation that's going to be had [00:10:00] is going to be much less pleasant because they're going to be either one confronting you about it or two, holding it in, but knowing it deep inside and acting super passive aggressively with you about it.
But one way or the other, it's going to come your way negatively. So just let them know that, let them know that you're aware. The next thing that's super important is your loved one needs for you to own the problem. Okay. And you might say I've already admitted I'm addicted. I've already told them I'm an alcoholic, but more than that, on a deeper, more emotional level, they need you to own it in the way that it's like probably what's been happening leading up to being in recovery is you've been blaming everyone and everything around you, you've been blaming your Self confidence you've been blaming your anxiety.
You've been blaming them. Let's be real You've been blaming them [00:11:00] or you've been putting a lot of it on them and what they what will go a long way is if? You own it There were choices made now whether you think it's a disease whatever you think about it I think we can all agree there were choices that were made in there, right?
There were some choice that weren't and if you can own that Oh my gosh, that helps so much because again, it reinforces that it lets your loved one know that if you're a loved one right now and you're listening to this either live or on the replay, I would love it. If you would put your put a little hand emoji or something in the chat or say, Oh yeah, that would help.
Let us hear if you think these things that I'm saying, if your loved one could do these things. Would it help you to heal faster? I'm just curious what you think. The next thing that you could do to really help your loved one is you could see the positive in them. And that may seem strange.
You may not have even thought about that before but typically what's [00:12:00] happened as addiction has progressed is there's. There's built, there's so much built up tension between you and your loved one, right? And they've not been showing you the best version of themselves and you've not been showing them the best version of yourself and There's been so much contention for so long.
It's maybe hard to even see the good qualities in your loved one I tell the family members all the time to see the good qualities in you. So i'm telling you To give them a little forgiveness and grace and realize that maybe they didn't handle it perfectly. Maybe they contributed to it in some way, but there are positive things about your loved one.
This is hard because while you were in active addiction, you have been convincing yourself that they are literally the devil. And so I'm asking you to rethink it. Okay. At least look at the situation with fresh eyes. And just like I tell family members to look at your situation as the addicted person [00:13:00] and realize that's not you, that's the addiction.
What I want you to realize is that's not them. That is the addiction. I can predictably tell you exactly what. An addictive person's going to do, and I can't predictably tell you exactly what the family member's going to do because it's a symptom of the problem. You could say they're going to do this.
They're going to, the family member is going to get negative. They're going to get critical. They're going to get controlling. They're going to start crossing all up in your boundaries. They're going to start being intrusive in a million ways. They're going to start hounding you and nagging you. Did that, did those things happen to you?
Did your loved one do that to you when you were struggling? Yeah, they did. And it's not because that's who they are as a person. It is a symptom of the addiction. Just like some of your behaviors were not true to who you are. So I'm going to ask you to look past some of that, see some of the good parts in them, because when you can see the good part in your family member, they'll show you more good part [00:14:00] and this works both ways.
Okay. But when you. See them and you have respect for them and you have positive esteem for them, all these things, you'll get more of that back. So again, this isn't just for your loved one. It's going to help you too. They need some reassurance. That you're not going to hurt them again. This might be the most complicated of the things that I'm going to encourage you to do, because there, there are definitely some schools of thought and philosophies and recovery, the just for today kind of school of thought, which is I can't promise you I'm never going to use again.
I can't promise you I'm never going to relapse. And, and to a large degree, there's. There's some validity to that, right? And there's some reasons why sometimes in recovery, we encourage people to take that mindset. However, what you can, what you maybe can come to terms with is I realize that my behaviors have hurt my loved one and I am going to do everything in my [00:15:00] power not to continue to hurt my parent, my child, my sister, my husband, my wife, whoever this person is.
What it's usually the person that's closest to you that gets the most damage. So if you can give them some reassurance that you own the problem, that you get the depth of the problem, that you understand that it hurt them and that you are doing everything in your power not to hurt them again. And that's a little bit deeper than even just saying, I'm never going to drink again, it's saying I'm not going to let us get to that point again.
And there are a lot of things that you do to help reassure them. And that's. Just by working your recovery program, that gets them some reassurance again. It's just about letting them know that, don't be scared to walk into that uncomfortable conversation. If you initiate the conversation, it's likely to go a lot smoother than if you wait until they have built it up, and then they're confronting you and they're wanting this information from you.
They're going to be coming at you in a way that's going to make [00:16:00] you defensive. So as scary as it is. initiate the uncomfortable conversations and you'll save yourself a super ton of heartache. And then another thing you can do is ask them what you can do to help. These are my things that I think will probably universally help your loved one heal faster, but there might be some little specific things.
That I'm not even thinking of. So ask them, make that the question a part of the conversation. What can I do to help things move along? What can I do to help you feel more reassured, be open to hearing what they have to say? So just ask them This is a good time to drop this in here. This video is sponsored by Soberlink and one of the best things you can do, one of the best, most effective ways you can reassure your loved one if the problem has been alcohol is to Enroll in the Soberlink process, [00:17:00] because not only does Soberlink, Soberlink is going to give you peace of mind.
It's going to give them peace of mind, but it's going to give you independence because it's going to be definitive proof that you are doing great. And the wonderful thing for you about that is, is they're not going to be. All up in your business near as much, they're not going to be worried every time you walk out the door to go to the target or whatever, and so it gives you the independence. It gives them the reassurance. A lot of you have heard me talk about Soberlink before. It is a breathalyzing system. It's a lot more than just a breathalyzer. It, it's a high tech thing. You can't really cheat it. And because of that, it gives your loved one a ton of reassurance.
So if the problem's been drinking and you want to build trust and you want the trust to come back super fast, you need to look into Subberlink. I have put the link in the description for you. I'm also going to put the link right here in the chat, if I can get it up there and you, if you use this link, I think if you end up getting their system, there's [00:18:00] like a A promotion code, a coupon code, basically.
You can get a discount. So it's there in the chat. It's there in the description. Definitely check it out. It is literally the number one tool that we've used in our offices to help families heal. It has been the most exceptional thing. Let's move on to what the family members can do to help out the person in early recovery, because there's some things you can do.
Yes, they're responsible for their recovery, but there's some things you could do. That'll speed it along and make things smoother and be helpful. So much of what family members try to do to be helpful is very counterproductive. And a lot of times it's done with all of the best of intentions, but it's not helpful.
Like one of those things is hovering. It. It's super uncomfortable and super awkward when you're when they feel you hovering and I know you're trying to be like super sneaky [00:19:00] about it and act like you're not hovering, but they can feel you hovering. They can feel you worrying, right? They can feel that tension building up in you, even if you're doing your best sometimes to keep that under wraps.
So be mindful of what energy you're bringing. Be mindful. The fee, it's the hovering I think is the, Fear energy that you're bringing, because that's not, it's not helping anything out. They feel your fear, which then usually brings up resentment in them because it triggers guilt, which then defensively turns into resentment.
So the best that you can, let's hold that back. Another thing that you can do that is super helpful is realize that they're not going to be from zero to a hundred immediately, just cause they got sober, it's going to take a little bit for them to get on their feet and they are going to step up and they are going to start taking some responsibilities, but there's a lot of reasons why it's going to take [00:20:00] a minute to get them back to normal.
To full force, a game level, it's going to take some months to get back there. So a lot of times what happens with the families is we're so exhausted because we've been carrying the load for so long. We're just ticked off. And now that you're sober, it's like the fear is dying down a little bit and the anger starts to come through.
And it's no, I need you to step in. I need you to get a job. I need you to pay the bills. I need you to take care of the kids. I need you to deal with the license issue and start to damage control, some of these things and jump through all these hoops. Neurochemically, the person isn't their best.
Okay. It takes a while. I'm not talking about they're in withdrawal. I'm just talking about even past withdrawal. It takes a real good long while for those brain chemicals to stabilize for them to have Motivation levels that are normal for them to have energy levels that are normal for their anxiety and irritability to go down.
So I know it's finally, we got there, [00:21:00] they're left treatment. They're sober, great. They're back, but even though they're sober, it's going to take some time to get them on their feet. So I know you've waited a long time, but now's not the time to blow it. Okay. We're there. We're on the right path.
Get, have patience. Okay? The longer they're sober, the more they'll, themselves they'll be, the more they'll be able to take on the less irritable they'll be, all that kind of stuff. So give 'em a little time. Another thing you can do is, this is a hard one, but is understand their point of view and if you.
or a family member and you've been watching this channel, you've got training on how to do this because that's what I teach you guys to do. If you're in the Invisible Intervention, you're like a well trained soldier on how to do this. So you got this. Maybe you don't agree with everything they did, but can you understand where they were coming from?
And more than just understand that like they have an illness. I just mean, [00:22:00] understand their hurt and their pain and their difficulty and their shame in the situation. It's going to allow them to feel safer faster. They're going to trust you faster. Yes, they don't trust you just as much. I'm going to say more than you distrust them.
That's the thing. It's a two way street. Just do the best you can to understand where they're coming from now. And also, even if you don't agree where they were coming from then, right? Most of the time people are just doing, they're trying to solve a problem with their addictive behavior. They're just picking a really bad solution.
And then they get stuck in it. It's super helpful if you can see the positive in them. Sometimes they need you to be able to see the positive in them because sometimes they can't see the positive in themselves. And there are ways you can lay this on too thick. If you get super too cheerleadery, that can feel [00:23:00] inauthentic and it doesn't work, but there If you can catch the little small things that are going and you can bring that up and you can positively reinforce that, they probably don't even realize I do that with clients all the time.
I'm like, dude, you got through that without using you didn't even think about using holy gosh. And they're like, oh yeah, I guess I did. Can you see the positive, not just progress they're making, but the positive in who they are as a person? Because Whether they show it to you or not, they feel terrible.
I promise you. Okay. So they don't like themselves. They may have a lot of bravado when they talk to you about it. Cause I know a lot of them have that mask, but deep down they feel terrible and they need some help sometimes seeing their own strengths and their positive qualities and that helps give them the courage and the strength to get through the next hard day and the next hard day.
One thing you can do, this is the hard one. This is going to be my hard ask of you family members is turn the heat down. I know they deserve the heat. [00:24:00] I know they deserve your anger and your frustration and your resentment. You know what? It is a hundred percent fair. Your feeling is a million percent valid, but turn it.
Down because the heat is coming off of you so strong that you're scary. Okay It and if they're not scared of you, they're at least Distrustful of you and don't want to be around you because they feel like you're constantly critical even when you're not saying it you can feel it coming out your pores you're bringing the energy of the anger and the resentment.
So Do whatever you've got to do to turn the heat down Some ways of turning the heat down is just being able to see the positive in them because it's going to help you reassure yourself that there are good things happening, right? Get time for yourself, get away from it for a little while. Don't constantly think about it.
Don't talk about it. Heck, don't even watch my videos all the time about it because it's going to remind you of it, right? Whatever you got to do, get that negative energy [00:25:00] to come down. If you got to do some yoga, some meditation, whatever it is, Bring it down because it is a super big trigger for your loved one who's in early recovery.
Another thing you can do that is really powerful here is you can I'm hesitant to say it. I'm almost scared to say it, but you can own your part of the problem. The reason I'm scared to say it is because I'm going to get some grief. Cause we were going to say, I didn't cause that problem. I'm not saying you caused the problem, but you probably didn't always interact with it perfectly.
Heck, I don't always interact with it perfectly, even with my clients. And I only had to be with them for one hour. So I know that there have been moments that you're not proud of, or maybe there's some things you did that just weren't helpful along the way. It doesn't mean you caused it. And if you can own that, they're going to, they're going to trust you so much more, so much faster, because they're going to know that they're, if you can just own that. And part of doing that is being able to say statements like I know not [00:26:00] every problem we have is because of the addiction. One of the things I hear people in early recovery say all the time about their loved ones is they think that my drinking is the only problem we have, but they are wrong because we got this and this problem.
And four of those are her. And so when you can own that, that gives them reassurance that you get it, that you're working on you. And then there's a lot more safety and trust. And this is how we can come back together. Another thing you can do, you can ask them what you can do to help the process.
Because sometimes we just automatically do things and we're trying to help, but it's not helpful. We call up grandma because Christmas is coming up. going to be at grandma's and we tell grandma, make sure there's no alcohol there. And then the person at early recovery found out you did that and they feel humiliated and embarrassed.
And that's just, you're just doing that out of the best intentions. There's nothing. Ill will about it but the [00:27:00] things you are thinking of that might be helpful are probably not helpful. I'll go ahead and tell you one of the things that you want, that you're trying to do to be helpful is not helpful.
Reminding them all the time of their meetings. Of their medicine of their sessions. Constantly bringing it up in any way is a constant reminder. And if you can bring that back, it makes you so much more approachable. And if. By the grace of God, they do. Oh, maybe they watch the video, maybe the spirit just got in them and they do open up and talk to you about it.
Your job is to be cool, calm, and collected and not to push that conversation. Too far as in too deep into the conversation and not to push that conversation too long, because you have to create, if you want them to be able to talk to you about it, and I know that you want that more than anything else, like I know that is like the main [00:28:00] thing that will help you feel better, is you got to be cool when they do it, okay?
So if we can give, Each other, a little grace and a little forgiveness and a little consideration and understand that both sides are hurting and both sides are in pain. It's these small, little, tiny things that we can do that will help expediate the process, where you can really make the pain go away a lot faster, right?
The resentments will heal, the fear will get better and better and everybody will be Bring in their better selves to the game. I was talking to one of my clients this week. It's one of my Strengths based recovery clients and this kind actually has already finished the Recovery coaching program he's in with me, but we were doing a follow up kind of thing and he, of course, he's telling me he's doing great as far as like his abstinence and everything like that.
But the thing that I heard him saying that I was most impressed with, even more impressed with the fact that he's been, abstinent and it's been like maybe like almost a month since he [00:29:00] finished the program, but he was saying like, how he checks in with his wife every day, how she checks in with him, how he actually has this underlying fear that he's going to get too complacent about the relationship and then things are going to backslide.
And so he's they're both honestly super mindful about how they're interacting with each other, about how they're making decisions together, and they're trying to be super considerate of what the other person needs, even though there's a lot of pressure right now, there's a lot of pain that's still there but the mindfulness and the consideration that both he and his wife are putting towards it is what gives me the reassurance.
That he's going to stay on the right path because those are the skills that we need, right? Because what happens is if that relationship starts to fall apart, he starts to feel resentment. He starts to feel sorry for himself. He starts to, quit caring about his recovery. And we all know what happens from there.
It's no good. So it's these [00:30:00] taking care of your relationships is one of the best things you can do for your recovery because when your relationships are off kilter, your whole life's a mess. Everything will be in chaos and drama. So consider the health of your relationships to be parallel to the health of your recovery.
All right, Brie, we are almost to the time to take some questions, comments and concerns. So Brie is about to put some of those up here. In the meantime, while she gets those ready, I will remind you there are always resources in the description, including how to get recovery coaching. If you're trying to get into recovery and early recovery, you can have recovery coaching with me.
If you have a loved one who you're trying to help, you can talk to our family counselors. We have our membership program. We have a whole page of free downloads. There's tons of resources in there, so definitely check them out if you are ready to take the next step. Bree, do we have some good questions?
When I got on here Bree said there's questions already and we weren't even on here So I know [00:31:00] there's some good questions back there Bree. All right, Ivan and Lydia says question Oh, thank you for putting the question mark in the front that helps us see them better So and there or write the word question if you want.
Thank you, Lydia So the question is how do I as the family member ask my loved one about how I can be more helpful without coming across as hovering nervous about seeming over controlling It's the tone that you use more than anything else. And so if you're I guess actually, as I think about it, you can combine this.
This is going to give you a two parter. So you're going to get double points for this. Okay. First of all, you can say, I know I've been super hovery in the past and that's not helpful. So that's you owning your end of the issue. You say, but I really do. Want to be helpful. So let me know what I can do to be helpful.
You need me to run interference for something. You need me to cover something so you can get to a meeting. You need me to give you space. You need me what you need me to get all the alcohol house. Just tell me, cause I'm [00:32:00] here to be on your side. And if you say it super casual like that, like not in a nervous, see fearful tone and almost, I call it.
The drive by comment, like not in this big, deep, like heavy conversation that goes on forever. Just be like, BTW, what can I do to be helpful? Just throw it out there. And maybe if your loved one is like super hypersensitive to uncomfortable conversations, just text it or something if you need to. And just ask.
And if they say, there's nothing, I'm doing fine. Say if something comes up, I'm your person. Let me know.
Tara says, question. Hi, Amber. I'm having a difficult time dealing with my anger after my loved one's relapse after only three weeks clean. I want to ask him why, but that's a no, tara, this is a really great question and I am guessing that there's about 100 other people who are feeling your frustration right now that literally are watching this video that are like, I hear you, Tara, right?
Okay. So [00:33:00] the first thing I want you to do is I want you to remove the word only from this sentence because the system, the sentence that you wrote to me, this is the thing that you're saying it to your, into yourself over and over again. He relapsed after only three weeks clean. And by the, you're putting that only in there, what is happening is you're in your own mind.
And I know you're not doing this consciously, but you're subconsciously minimizing the progress that was made. So the first thing I want you to do is in your own self talk, take the word only out and say, Hey, we got three weeks. I just want you to shift the way you're looking at it and say, If you can do three weeks, you can do it.
Like you've proven you can do it. You can ask why, but I just want you to make an educated guess about whether or not that would be helpful in your situation. Like how open are they talking about it? How much trust do you have with them? If there's a lot of tension, if there's a lot of uncomfortableness, [00:34:00] I don't even know if I would go into why, because a lot, sometimes people relapse and they don't even know why, but they feel like they're supposed to have a reason why and everyone.
Ask them why, their counselor, their spouse, their sponsor, and then they don't even realize it. They'll start making up reasons. This, that, and sometimes it's just not that complex. What's more important than You asking them why is to say, Hey, look, you had three weeks. Let's get back on track.
I call it damage control. And there's some videos here on the channel about what to do when your loved one relapses. And if you respond to them in a positive, good way, they'll respond to you back in a positive, good way. And that will help you feel less anger. Cause it's like, how can I help them?
meet my needs better, right? It's a back and forth feedback loop. And that's the thing that's going to decrease your anger.
Jazz says, how can we learn to trust again? I lose sleep because I'm [00:35:00] afraid my addicted loved one who lives with her dad will show up. She's relapsed after three years in prison. I can't seem to forget all the lies, stealing and chaos.
Are you asking I'm just, I'm being quiet here just cause I'm not sure if you're at, what you're saying is how can I learn to trust them again, but they're still actively using, I don't know that you can learn to trust them again, if they're still actively using, what you can learn to do is you can trust yourself, you can work your own recovery program to say, if they show up.
I'm going to handle it, right? I'm going to, what, no matter what happens on that end, I'm going to keep myself in a good place because what you, the issue that you're struggling with is you don't want to feel dysregulated again, and you do have some control over that. So if they're still actively using, then that really is the only route that you can take.[00:36:00]
Let's see. where he's going to get us another question. Here it is. MD says, Addicted loved one says, talking about it makes him feel worse. Always acts as if he did nothing. This keeps it in the dark, but saying that keeps me quiet. Stay quiet or talk. He started a program. He started a program with you two weeks in.
Okay. This is a super good question, MD. And I actually had, I saw this question in one of the comments on another video recently, and the question was something like, what do you do when they still won't even acknowledge that they did anything wrong, and that's similar to the question that you're asking.
If you can't get them to talk about the addiction, then what you can do is you can gently ease into other kinds of difficult topics and you can train them that you're not going to react, that you're not going to freak out, that you're not going to push them to [00:37:00] go to a place they don't want to go. So what that does is it creates safety.
The way I do it with a brand new client is it may take a while before they can talk to me about the addiction. So whatever they do talk to me about. I'm creating trust and safety. And part of that is, it's not just saying everything they want to hear. Part of it is telling them the honest truth, but that actually will create trust, even if it's not what they want to hear.
But basically it's I want, I'm not going to push them further than they want to go in a conversation. And what we're teaching them is that I'm not going to make you feel worse about the situation. And so you may have to start with some other things. And then eventually, I think that probably will lead into them being able to talk more about the addiction.
Colustus says, Question, How do I respond to a loved one who is wanting confirmation of his paranoia? He thinks people are investigating him during a drug induced psychosis. This is a hard question. [00:38:00] There's nothing you, I can tell you this, there's nothing you can say that can convince him that what he thinks is not true.
So don't waste any time trying to give them evidence, trying to prove, trying to talk them out of it. The more you do that the more intricate and deep the delusion will become. The first thing. The primary tactic is to evade the question because any kind of talking about it is going to make it worse and it can dig you into a hole and the paranoia comes in your way to, if they're asking you do you believe me? Sometimes they're asking you questions like that. And sometimes you can say I've always known you to be pretty honest in the past like you can sidestep it by not directly addressing it and saying, you can say I'm not sure about it.
Cause I'm not seeing the same things you are, but. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's not happening or whatever. Just gently go around it and honestly avoid the topic. Then [00:39:00] you're not going to talk him out of it. And the more conversation about it, the worse it's going to get. Here's more question from Nala.
When you get used to staying in your own lane, getting out of the bad guy role, no expectations, et cetera, and just get into your own life, so to speak, then things turn around for the good. They start. Is there more to that one? They start wanting to interact more. All the things you hope for. I feel like I don't answer text right away like I used to.
I guess I feel unsupportive and that makes sense. How do I handle this? So the first part of what Nola's saying here is absolutely true. But then the second part is when you say, I feel like I don't answer text right away like I used to. I guess I feel unsupportive if that makes sense. I'm
a little confused by the question, but I think I understand what you're saying. You're saying you feel bad because [00:40:00] when they text you, you don't respond back right away. I think that's what you're saying. Sometimes not responding back right away is just a healthy boundary. Especially if there's a history of demanding or controlling in that way, like you, you didn't answer me back or whatever.
So I, sometimes not answering people's texts at all can make them feel almost like paranoid, like what's happening, why, and then you start to overguess everything but also not dropping everything you're doing to stop and be, and answer the questions, it's an okay boundary. And then when you get the time, you're going to answer it.
And then you'll probably answer it in a better. More helpful, effective way because you didn't try to rush to do it. I personally think it's okay to not answer texts right away. So I don't know. I don't think you should be beating yourself up about that. Unless you're doing it purposefully just to make them suffer.
If that's happening, it might be different. Robin says, thanks for all you do. I recently found [00:41:00] your channel after realizing my sister has once again relapsed. She decided she is no longer interested in sobriety. Now what I'm exhausted. I tell you what, Robin, like once they have sobriety and then all of a sudden they relapse and not just that they used again or whatever, but their mindset goes all the way back.
It is crazy making. It's shocking to me every time it happens. And I've been doing this for 20 years. I've seen it so many times. It's just what the heck? Like, how can you lose all your wisdom that you had five minutes ago? But they do. And so there's. In this process of helping and supporting, there's a time to hold them, a time to fold them, right?
That's what Kim likes to say in her spouse education. When do you walk away? When do you run? When do you hold? And a lot of times when I have a client who maybe has, We've been through it. They've been doing good for a while. They relapse back and I feel them going back. What I will do is not in an angry way, [00:42:00] but I'll gently step back.
The way I do it usually is I say, you know what let's just put you on an as needed basis, not even in a punishment way or whatever. I'm just basically giving them some room and space to preserve the relationship So that when they decide they're going to get back on track, that the relationship is intact and I can be a helpful, supportive person.
So when this happens with clients, I just gently take some steps back before it blows up. Because one of the things that's going to happen is if this person's still, if I continue, like as a coach to continue to see somebody when, Their mindset is they're using, they will they will slowly start to build a resentment toward me because they know that I know, and every time they see me, they're going to be feeling bad about it.
And so if I keep them coming when they're not in that great, when they're not in the right mindset, it's going to backfire. So I think back up, plus you said you're exhausted. So just back up a little bit. Not I'm angry, not I'm [00:43:00] punishing you. Just back up. Slowly backpedal out of it. You can come back in when you're ready, or when they're ready.
Sandra says, as far as I've heard, more need for sex comes with other addictions, like alcohol addiction. Do you have a shortcut to finding out the main or original addiction, the sex addiction, or the Alcohol and drug addiction. What is the difference? Does it make in treatment apart from the fact that there may be just even more ashamed involving both partners?
Okay. Some addictions do go more hand in hand with a sex addiction, and I think that's what you're saying.
Stimulants are usually More hand in hand with sex addiction than some of the others, because when you use stimulants, it turns up your libido like on hyper overdrive. And so it's almost like the sexual [00:44:00] acting out is a symptom of the stimulant addiction. Other things that can be happening though, when you're saying alcohol, is it's like when someone's sober, they're able to control their impulses.
And when they're not sober, they fall into bad behaviors. Like you're talking about. Like sometimes I have clients who, when they get drunk, they start sexting or they start contacting exes or they start looking at things that they shouldn't be looking at. The. The things that you know what I'm talking about.
And so it's what's happening is their filter is coming off and then that behavior happens. So you can tell what the main addiction is because the sexual inappropriateness will come and go and it's attached to the substance. If it's that way, then you have probably have a primary substance, secondary sex issue.
If, but it can also be in reverse. They can have a sex addiction issue and then abuse alcohol or other drugs as a [00:45:00] way to enhance the primary addiction. So I would look at the consistency of it and what remains when the substances are out of the picture. That's the best way I would know to sort that from your end.
I hope that's helpful. Carolina says, how do I respond when my husband has erroneous negative beliefs about me that developed from delusions, confabulations developed during using, they are incredibly bizarre. He insists I confess. I have tried empathizing with his feelings and not arguing with delusions, but it is difficult when I am the epicenter of everything that's wrong to him.
And he accuses a very hurtful degrading. Yeah. What you're talking about, I think, Carolina is more than just how naturally people with addictions build resentments towards you and they start to see the negative in you, you're talking about delusion and like we talked about a little earlier, you cannot, you can't argue with delusion.
And the more you [00:46:00] talk about it and the more you try to. Prove yourself. You could show them cell phone evidence. You could show them camera evidence. You could it's not the delusion will spiderweb around whatever evidence. So if you, like they, you went out and you went to the grocery store and they accused you of going to see your boyfriend, for example, right?
You could take your phone out. You could let them see the, find my friends or whatever. And they could literally saw your GPS the whole time. But what they'll say is, Oh, you figured out a way around that. Or, Oh, you must have a second phone. Like the delusion will wrap around any evidence you give. So unfortunately there's not a really good way to convince them that what they think.
isn't true. It'll either have to clear the longer they're sober or sometimes it requires a medical intervention to get the psychosis to clear, but it's tough.
Terry R says my loved one went to rehab years ago, sober one year now, says she is not an alcoholic, detached [00:47:00] herself from family. How do we act towards her when she does
Terry, are you saying, I know you're saying that she was a year sober and now she's saying that she's not an alcoholic. Does that mean that she's back to drinking? It probably does. If she's not already back to drinking, it probably means she will be soon. Went back to drinking now. Okay. So Terry says, yes, confirmation went back to drinking now.
And so she's not an alcoholic, detached herself from family. This is another one like, like before when you, the question we have before where the person asked about, I think their sister, who says, I don't want to be sober anymore, this is where you just give them some space. This is not punishment, but you just back up a little bit because.
When they come back around, and if they had a year sober, I usually say, once you've had real recovery, you can't unhave it. And it's in the back of your head. So you can go out there and use again, but you can't unknow what you know. So somewhere deep down inside. They know, right? And they're going to come back around to that.
And [00:48:00] so the best that you can salvage the relationship without putting yourself in a bad situation or having bad boundaries, and just get a little distance from it. You do not want to argue with them. You don't want to remind them of everything that happened before they went to rehab and while they're an alcoholic.
The more you do that, the more they're gonna defend their stance. It's like the delusion, just like we talk about delusions, the more you try to argue with them, they're gonna defend it more and it's like the delusion will get stronger around the, going back into denial. Denial. Basically.
Beverly says, have you ever heard this before? My husband want, doesn't want to talk about it or bring it up and wants me to say it's in the past. Even when the past is last week, he says. You'll never get over it. Have I ever heard that before? Yes. From every single wife that's ever walked through the doors or talked to us.
In person or on a video. Yes, every person Who's trying to overcome an addiction feels that way [00:49:00] and it's for those reasons we talked about it makes them feel extremely uncomfortable They feel shameful about it and it makes you as the family member Feel really freaked out when they say the past is the past, because what it does is it's making you think that they don't get it.
And that number one need you have is to know that they get it right. So there might be ways of getting some reassurance from them without directly going into that. And if they're, I think you said too, that they're only a week sober. They're still literally in withdrawal. Like maybe they don't, not having to go to inpatient, but their brain chemistry is a mess, so you need to give a wide berth right now.
And so they're probably just not ready to see it physiologically and psychologically. The better and healthier they get, the more able they are to not only see What was really happening, but to acknowledge it. So it's still really early [00:50:00] on. So I would just Give it some time and space and don't press the issue right now All right.
I think we are to the end of our time for today You guys ask awesome questions as always. Thank you so much for Joining me live and those of you who are watching on the replay. I appreciate you being here, too You can jump in the conversation in the comments. I read every single one of them I will be here live again next Thursday, every Thursday live at one o'clock Eastern.
And don't forget there are lots of resources in the description recovery coaching, sober link, free resources, all kinds of stuff. So be sure to check those out. Bye everybody.
