7 Clear Signs You Need to Set Stronger Boundaries
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[00:00:00] It's real easy to see when other people don't have good boundaries. It's a little bit more difficult to see when we don't have good boundaries. In fact, if you feel like you're surrounded by other people who don't have good boundaries, chances are it's you that's not holding the boundaries for yourself.
And it can just can be a little tricky to figure out Who's doing what? So in this video, I'm going to cover for you the signs that these are the clear signs that you may be having some boundary issues. Maybe you need to have stronger boundaries. Maybe you need to have fewer boundaries. And we're going to go through them now.
When I initially Came up with this video idea. I said seven of them, but then I started making a list of them and they were more than seven. So you're going to get some bonus ones in here. When you get going and you just keep thinking of more and more, that's exactly what happened. So these are, when we go through these, I want you to think not about the [00:01:00] other people in your life, But about yourself.
So as we go through these, think to yourself, do I do that? Or you can even put it on a scale. Maybe you do it sometimes, but not very often. A lot of these aren't necessarily black and white. And then another question you can ask yourself is, do I have this boundary issue across the board, or do I have this boundary issue with.
Asserting someone or just a couple of people in my life because that could also be an indicator that would require a little self reflection Before I forget I do want to tell you guys that I made a new Healthy communication family quiz totally free. I put the Link in the description if you want to take that quiz, it actually scores you on things like active listening boundaries trust empathy effective conflict resolution skills.
And it puts it in categories So you can see how you score in each of those categories the links in the description and I'll remind you guys again at the end All right So [00:02:00] the number one sign and giant big indicator red flag that you may Not be having the best boundaries is that you feel resentful because typically when we talk about We usually feel resentful when we feel like we're over functioning or we're doing more than our fair share of things, or we feel like we're being guilted into doing something.
We feel like we don't have the option to say no. Those kinds of things build up in us over time and it's an indicator Not that other people are crossing our boundaries, but that we're not holding good healthy boundaries for ourself So there are other indicators, but I think resentment if you feel it brewing is probably the number one sign and symptom it probably means you're over functioning in some area Or you're rescuing other people in a way that you don't want to You And a lot of times the way this starts out is in the beginning.
You do it because you want to do it and because you [00:03:00] want it to be helpful. But then it feels like it keeps happening and then you get compassion fatigue. And whereas you might've been okay with it the first time or two on time, 129 you're done with it. And somewhere along the way, you probably should have set a healthier boundary, but you got stuck because you figured, how am I going to set it now?
Because I've already, you almost feel standard or you've set the rules of the game and now you're changing them. And it's real difficult to untrain a dynamic and like a work situation or a relationship situation or with family. And, but sometimes it is necessary to go back. And reassess those boundaries and even if you've done it a hundred times before even if you were okay with it before but now Maybe something's changed in your life and now you're not okay with it or it doesn't work for you It is okay to go and change the boundary.
It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to Say no, even if you've said yes a hundred times before another sign that you Might be [00:04:00] having a boundary problem is you find yourself being very irritated with other people in your life. And this one is similar to the resentment but also a little bit different.
I think that irritation can come in because we feel like this isn't even someone asking us to do something. But we feel like we almost have to step in and we'll talk a little bit more about this later, but almost if we see a problem, we feel like we have to fix it. Even if another person hasn't even asked us to do that.
And so we can start to become super irritable with the people around us. Or another reason that causes this is because maybe we're wanting someone else to help with something, to participate in something, to do something for us, but we're not asking. Ladies, I'm going to generalize here and say we're really good at this one and I'm including myself in that it's like in our mind It's like we feel like other people should just know what we need and the reason is because you're going to be particularly [00:05:00] prone to this if you're pretty good at knowing what other people need So when other people don't just immediately jump in there to help out or to take care of something that needs to be done You're going to find yourself getting it irritated and possibly if that goes on for a long enough time, you're going to be resentful about it because we feel like it's personal, right?
We feel like someone's being lazy or someone doesn't care, or someone's taking advantage of me. When you're having those thoughts, those are giant indicators that there's something wrong in the boundary department. Here's another one. It's the opposite of the one I just said. Other people, in your life are irritated with you because you're over committed.
For example, maybe your spouse is irritated because you say yes to everything, or you're on the church committee for this, you're on the volunteer thing for that, and you're like, You're on this team, that team, you're the PTA president, and your spouse is just super irritated. And then you feel irritated back at them because you feel like they're not helping [00:06:00] enough.
When a lot of times it's because we've over committed ourselves. And so that's another one that can result in other people being irritated with us. And then. Also us being irritated because we've overcommitted and then we feel super stressed out and we feel like the other people in our life should step in there and help out because we've overcommitted ourselves and we've agreed to do too many things.
For example let's say you, you have a boss who keeps asking you to Work on Saturdays or fill in for a co worker who calls out all the time and you keep filling in and You know your family's probably fine with that They understand that happens sometimes but after it goes on, you know for the 10th weekend in a row and then your family maybe your spouse or your kids or whoever, you know your friends they get irritated with you and then it becomes this bad relationship dynamic where you feel like they don't understand and They feel like you're not setting healthy boundaries for yourself and that because you're not setting healthy boundaries for [00:07:00] yourself that impacts their lives.
I hear This a lot from clients. I see when they're talking about their parent or their spouse and it comes from a lack of boundaries all the way around and stretching themselves too thin You and then, what happens to that person that stretches themselves too thin, then they get resentful and angry and irritated.
And then it's affecting all the dynamics, even the dynamics of the relationships with people you have that aren't really directly involved with the boundary issue. Another one is, When you find that you feel overly guilty for saying no,
I definitely struggle with this. Even if it's not face to face no, a lot of times because of the videos, I get, I get asked to do a lot of different things and that's, I'm flattered on one hand, but then on the other hand, I'm also, I don't want to get into that over committed situation because not only does it negatively impact me, but my family, my workmates and all the people around me, but I feel super guilty for saying no, right?
Because I feel flattered for being [00:08:00] asked, flattered for being given the opportunity, but you feel like you're letting someone down. And the crazy thing about it is when I'm not able to participate in something or help in a certain way. Nine times out of 10 people are totally fine with it. Like I totally understand.
I knew it was a long shot thought I'd ask. And then I usually worry myself about it for days before, before I say no, I'll just I'll just stew on it. I'll just feel frustrated. And then eventually I say it and it's not even that big a deal. And I'm like, why did I? Give myself such a hard time about that.
So I definitely am guilty of the feeling guilty for saying no thing. And there's going to be a couple more in here that I'm guilty of, and I'm going to confess to them as we go along. Here's the next one.
You don't accept when other people ask you to stop or back off. And I see this most commonly with. People who feel like they want to talk about something. Usually it's during an argument or someone's upset about something and they feel like they want to talk about it right now, and the other person is trying to set a boundary saying, I think [00:09:00] we're getting too upset.
Let's talk about it later. Or I'm not okay with talking about that. Or I don't want to. And because it, there feels like an urgency inside of us know we got to talk about it. We got to get it on the table. We got to finish this argument. You can get, especially when you're upset when you're so upset and you're not thinking super clear, you can become really pushy.
If you're the kind of person you'll know, you're this kind of person. If you tend to do the thing where you follow other people around, right? It's like an argument or discussion. The first trying to go to another room, the first tries to get in the car, the person tries to leave, and you're literally following them.
If you find that you're doing that, not only is that a little warning sign. That's a big, giant, like alarm should be going off in your head. And I see this in couples who get into arguments pretty frequently. I see this between parents and kids. Kids who pester, it's somewhere along the way.
They learned that if I just ask a million times and I just wine and I beg, or I just say, I can say, can I [00:10:00] please please, you like it a million times. That's another example of not backing off when someone is asking you to back off or not accepting no, when someone is saying no to you.
So you can see it in young people. You can see it in adults, but a lot of times I feel like maybe that starts somewhere in childhood, that somewhere it gets. Either reinforced that if I just keep at something, I'm going to get my way or someone gets so emotionally reactive. They're just so worked up or maybe they've really ruminated on whatever this thing is that's bothering them.
It's they just can't seem to let it go. If you are a follower, a pesterer, an ask a million times person, that is a major boundary issue on your end. No matter how much you feel like it needs to be talked about, no matter how much you feel like you're in the right, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you feel like it's unfair, if other people are setting a boundary, they're saying no, they're saying I don't want to talk about it, they're leaving the room, and you're continuing to push, it's a boundary issue.
Here's another one. People, more than one [00:11:00] peoples, accuse you of being controlling. That's another little warning sign that there might be some boundary issues in there. Now, I know a lot of you watching this video are watching because there's addiction in the family. And I always talk on this channel about how the dynamic between the addicted person and their primary family member is.
The addicted person is always going to tell you're controlling, okay? One. I'm going to give you that freebie right there. But if you have other people who tell you to your face or describe you behind your back, and they refer to you as controlling, like other people feel like you're controlling, then you may need to look at that and you're, you might miss it because in your mind, You're just looking out for them.
Maybe you're even being helpful. You're just trying to make sure that they, that this person that you love gets what they want, but you're doing it in such a way that overrides this other person's autonomy, even their autonomy to make a bad choice. You see this with me. Parents and children, [00:12:00] even parents and adult children, you see this brothers and sisters, right?
And a lot of times people miss it because they think that they're being helpful, or they think that they're trying to warn you of something bad. Let's say your best friend is dating some guy and you think he's a creep ball or whatever. And so You're telling your friend, I think this is a bad idea, right?
Okay, if you're their friend, you should tell them once, maybe even twice, but when you start trying to push further than that, then you might be moving over into the controlling department. Even if you're right, it's still a boundary crossing issue. And it's really hard when we care about each other. We don't really realize we're boundary crossing because we don't feel an evil intent when we do it.
Most of the time, it really is a positive or genuine or kind intent, but It still can be a boundary crossing issue. Here's another one. If you find that you often make passive aggressive comments. Now this can be hard because sometimes you get in the habit of doing this and you don't even [00:13:00] realize that you're doing it.
But if you do the thing where you make like a snarky comment under your breath or you just have a quick snarky, sarcastic comeback. Now I'm not opposed to sarcasm cause I feel like I'm pretty sarcastic, but. You guys know what I'm talking about. It's like when you're holding this resentment towards somebody but you're not really telling them and it's usually because you're not setting a boundary with them and then you're just making these little snarky comments and digs.
Sometimes I call that like the drive by knifing and other people feel that animosity coming from you and the boundary issue that's going on there is that you're Not addressing something directly. It, and it's usually a limit for yourself that you're not keeping. And so you're putting in these little digs, right?
It can also happen through controlling behavior. It's someone's told you to back off. And so you've officially backed off, but you throw in these little smarky little one liner comments here and there and everywhere, and that, Is probably one of the least effective skills to use passive [00:14:00] aggressive because if you're aggressive you usually get your needs met But you run over other people in the process if you're passive other people get their needs met But you don't if you're passive aggressive You don't get your needs met and neither does anyone else.
It's like the worst of both worlds So you gotta watch out for that I find that a lot of people don't even know that they're doing it and i'll I'll tell you what Even call out clients about it. They'll say something. I'll say, Ooh, that was passive aggressive. And they're like, really?
I'm like, yeah, dude, that was super passive aggressive. It's usually not necessarily something they're saying towards me. It's like something they're telling me that they said to someone else in their life, or even a comment they're making. To me, but about someone else, it, and it just happens quickly. It can become almost like a bad habit, really.
Here's another one. You feel like you're obligated to fix other people's problems. And this happens, especially if you're a particularly empathetic person and you're kind and you're caring and you're nurturing, it's almost like your radar for what other people's [00:15:00] needs are. Are higher and you feel like you automatically just have to jump in there and fix it.
If someone is uncomfortable, if someone is suffering if someone just has a difficulty in their life you feel an automatic need to jump in there and do whatever you can do to make it right. But sometimes. Or a lot of times, not all the time, but a lot of times when we do that, we are interfering in someone else's process.
Another thing I talk about on this channel a lot is that you, sometimes people have to get uncomfortable to figure out things in their life, to make important changes. And if you're always going in and rescuing it and fixing it, then you're not allowing a person to grow or to feel good about their own accomplishments.
So we got to be careful. We feel like we're being helpful. But sometimes it's not really helpful. Sometimes it's intrusive. Another one is, you set limits, but then you don't stick to them. Those of you who do this one's pretty obvious. Most of us who do this, we know this, we get mad at ourself, but what we, Think to [00:16:00] ourselves is they're not following the rules.
We may not use the word rules. We use the word boundaries in our head, but really they're rules. We're going to, we're going to talk a little bit more about this one. So we'll come back to it. But you're setting these limits and then not following through with them. It's important to remember with boundaries, the limits are always.
about you. So it's not this other person gets this punishment or this rule or this consequence if they do or don't do something. It's what you will and won't do. The limits are always with yourself, not with the other person. So you're saying for example, if you say to someone, You can't talk to me like that.
And someone's screaming and yelling and cursing and talking to you nasty. You feel like they're crossing your boundary because you told them you can't talk to me like that. Guess what? You're crossing your boundary because it's your job to hold that limit. And that's a hard one. Cause you're like I've told them not to like, how am I going to make them stop?
You leave the [00:17:00] situation. Period. You don't tell them what they're doing wrong. You don't explain your side of the point of view. You don't try to reason with them and ration with them. You get yourself out of the situation. You can't sit there and keep blaming this other person for boundary crossing.
Here's a little guilty confession for you. Now, a lot of y'all know I like to watch true crime. That's already out there, it's not a secret. My newest guilty pleasure TV show to watch, and this is just pure, 100 percent trash TV, but I don't know why, it's almost addictive. I've been watching Bridezilla's lately.
Have you guys watched Bridezilla's? If you haven't, and you just want some trash TV, watch some Bridezilla's. In fact, I guarantee if you're watching this video and you think you got bad boundary, watch Bridezilla's. You'll feel a lot better. A man has better. You'll feel like you're the boundary queen or king when you watch Bradzilla's these brads are freaking crazy lunatic and I'm always thinking how do the people around them put up with this And in almost every Bradzilla show they're like, I'm not gonna [00:18:00] let you be in my wedding And then it's somehow that's like a threat.
And I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, yeah I'm not going to be in your wedding period, like I'm out. And it's just always amazing to me what the people around these people put up with. And what it says to me is the, this is not just a bride problem. It might get worse when you're in the marriage zone because it's stressful, but you can tell these boundary issues have always been there.
And these people in the show with them, you can tell they've been enabling this horrific, awful immature behavior. Forever. Now, when you watch these Brazillas, you can tell that they feel like they're just taking up for themselves or they're just trying to get what they're owed or they deserve or what they want, but they are doing it in such a very aggressive way, passive aggressive way, a forceful way.
A downright mean, nasty, ugly, and juvenile [00:19:00] way to be honest. If you want some good trash TV, and you want to feel better about yourself and your boundaries, watch some Broadzilla's, because I promise you, you're not that bad. Okay? And then I try to ask myself when I watch it, is this just fake? When I watch it, I can, I feel like there's a couple of things where they maybe set the stage to create a little conflict, but you can see the emotions are super real.
I'm like, nope, this person's just that crazy, right? You can just feel it and see it. So nope that's how they are. All right. Another one, another sign or symptom that you are not having good boundaries, and I'm guilty of this one, is that you have a tendency to lecture or nag. I'm not terrible at this one, especially for a mom, as a mom, but I have a thing about my son brushing his teeth.
I don't know why I'm literally not strict about most anything else. I've stopped being, I don't, I'm not strict about bedtime. I'm not strict about checking his homework. I'm not strict about what he eats, but I have this weird thing. I'm like, have you brushed your teeth? And I feel like [00:20:00] sometimes that's all I say to him, have you brushed your teeth?
And it's a little bit of a joke between the two of us. And I keep telling myself, I'm just going to quit because Dude, he's 13 years old. If I have to tell him to brush his teeth every morning and every night by then what the heck? You know what I mean? He's good at it. He will take a shower.
He does his, he does every other hygiene thing, but I have to tell him to brush his teeth. And he's got braces. That's another thing that makes me feel like that's one of those justifications that I tell myself I have to tell him that, right? And I keep promising myself I'm going to stop doing that, but I keep doing it.
It is definitely my one nag. I'm sure I have more than that, but that's like my main one is the teeth brushing thing. I think some of it comes from the fact that I didn't have dental care as a kid. And so when I was an adult, I had to get all of my teeth fixed and have adult braces and go through all that craziness and I just feel if he doesn't, if he doesn't shower, whatever, he's dirty, it doesn't Mess up something forever, but when you don't take care of your teeth, it's for everything So those are my excuses, but nonetheless I shouldn't be doing it because it's nagging am I gonna do when he's 19 call him up and say brush his teeth [00:21:00] probably all right another one is that you can't accept it when other people don't?
agree with you. Mostly because you think you're right. You think that you're in the right. You think that you know what's right. And if someone else doesn't agree with your way, then you just keep on and on trying to convince them that you're right. Because you feel very much in the right.
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter if you're in the right or not. If you're refusing to back off and you just keep at someone, keep trying to convince them and convince them and bringing up the topic over and over because they just don't agree with you, that's Definitely a boundary issue.
Another one, and I'm guilty of, I'm guilty of doing this next one a little bit, is you help people, even when they tell you they don't need help. I'll tell you why I'm bad about this one. I have this. Weird thing. If I'm coming home, let's say I'm coming home from work and I'm going to stop and pick up something to eat.
And I saw me, I'll call my [00:22:00] husband. I'll say, Hey, I'm on my way home. It's eight 30 at night. I'm not going to cook. I'm going to pick up something. Do you want something? And then he's just nah, I just, I already ate a sandwich or something. Have this weird thing where I feel like super terrible.
If. I like come home and I buy me food and not my husband or son food. So I do it anyway. And then it goes to waste because they told me they didn't want it. And then I'm thinking dang, I wasted all that money. And you didn't even need it. And I paid for it for you. Guess whose boundary issue that is.
My boundary issue. That's another one that I do. I keep trying to tell myself I'm gonna do better. Occasionally I don't, but. And then when I don't bring it home, I still feel super guilty. Isn't that crazy? It's ridiculous. I don't even know where that comes from. Anybody else out there have that? I don't know.
And then this next one is a little bit similar to the. The number 11, the one before the last one, which is you confuse not listening with not agreeing. So you've had a conversation with someone usually more than once, usually more than five times, honestly, and. [00:23:00] You're you just keep saying you're not listening to me.
You're not understanding me. You're not listening to me But they are listening to you. They just don't agree with you we have to learn the difference between not listening and not agreeing and what's happening is We sometimes have a very hard time accepting that someone doesn't agree with us You know you see this especially when people have Super strong opinions about something.
Maybe it's political. Maybe it's whatever. And they just keep on and on trying to convince him have their facts and maybe they have their PowerPoint they get out or whatever. Maybe they like have references and witnesses who knows. And so we just keep saying, you're not listening and not listening.
You're not looking at the evidence, whatever, but it. You've got to understand the difference in not listening and not agreeing. So a lot of times we just keep saying, you're not listening. You're not listening. And we feel like they're doing us wrong, but really in that situation, we are the boundary crossers because we just can't let it go.
I think that you guys are probably beginning to see that a lot of [00:24:00] times these boundary issues happen. Not because we're evil, but a lot of times it's because in our heart, we're trying to do the best thing for other people. And we don't quite realize that we're boundary crossers,
So even if it comes from a good place, we have to realize that sometimes it's not helpful, sometimes it's intrusive and we got to get honest with ourselves. Which of these do you have the biggest trouble with? I confess, I know I'm not the only one out there.
All right in just a second. We are going to Move to the part of our live video where we take comments and questions and we interact Amber says can you address how to handle boundaries that are agreed upon by family members?
But the addicted loved one refuses to comply to the boundaries and is in complete denial of reality Okay the addicted loved one even sets the boundaries for himself, but then breaks them and completely denies it's happening. Now, Amber, I bet you are not the only one out there who, who has this issue right here that you're putting up there.
[00:25:00] So this is a really good question. It would be most helpful if you will tell me exactly what you're talking about. Cause my guess is you're thinking of a specific thing, a specific issue that keeps happening. So if you're still watching Amber, if you pop that up there we'll try to watch out for that and I'll give you a better answer.
But my guess is that what's happening here is not a boundary. It's a rule. And maybe even it's a rule that he keeps setting for himself. And that's why you keep saying he's not, Following the boundaries. And so what's happening there is some kind of agreed upon rule and a rule is different than a boundary.
Amber says, my loved one agrees to not using again or he'll leave the home, but he continues to use again and just denies using the drugs to stay on in his system when he's not using, but it's clear he is. All right. See, this is super helpful. Now I know more specifically what you're talking about.
Okay. Here's where the boundary issue is here, Amber. The boundary issue is that you're not being honest with yourself about your addicted [00:26:00] loved one's ability to be honest. This has happened over and over again. He keeps saying it and you keep believing it. So the boundary issue Amber is with ourselves and we're counting on them to take the, for not only you're counting on him to like, Admit that he's using but we're counting on them to administer their punishment and their consequence And I get what you're saying like they've agreed to it, but you got to be realistic with yourself A setup like that is a setup for lying and sneaking So a boundary might be if I suspect you're back actively using again Here's what i'm going to do.
I'm going to Leave the house. I'm going to get a separate checking account. I'm going to X, Y, or Z what I'm going to ask you to take a drug test, whatever it is on your end, because what's the problem here is you're relying on them. And you're saying is crossing the boundary. You can only do boundaries for yourself.
So it [00:27:00] needs to be something more along the lines of you can take action on because you'll feel a lot more. In control of the situation, then it's silly to think that they're going to tell you when they're lying. They're going to tell you when they're using it, especially if they've already agreed to this giant punishment consequence.
It's going to happen if they do. So I think it's the giant punishment consequence that probably makes it more likely that the person's going to lie. All right. So what do we got? Donna says, I just watched your video on getting the truth from an addict and A lot was about how to ask questions in a way where they don't shut down.
Yeah. How can you share how to do the same thing with setting boundaries? Thank you. Okay. So this is a really good question too, because what Donna's talking about here, I think is how do I communicate my boundaries? And a little secret that Campbell and Kim and I like to say is you don't always have to say your boundaries.
Okay. Like [00:28:00] sometimes. Stuff is just obvious, but there's this weird thing inside where we feel like we have to give someone like some kind of fair warning. If you're married to someone, do you really have to say if you cheat on me, I might divorce you? Do you need to say that? It's a given, right?
So you don't always have to communicate them. And a lot of times what we're doing when we're. communicating our boundaries is we're really just giving them a warning, right? And sometimes that can be intrusive and most of the time we're thinking if I, if they know that I really mean business, they're just not going to do it.
And then again, we're not being honest with ourselves. Occasionally you do need to communicate your boundaries, but to expect that other person to like it or agree with it, sometimes it's a little too much. So sometimes you got to go into that knowing that they're probably not going to like it. There are always some things you can do to mediate the difficulty or conflict, and that's with your tone of voice, with your body language, if you try to leave out any kind [00:29:00] of accusations, like for example, if you say something along the lines of been drinking, then I'm just going to make sure that I drive the kids. Okay. That's a way you might set a boundary. If you say to them, if you're drinking you can't drive the kids, which sounds great in theory, and I totally agree with, then you're setting up to not have A lot of control over that.
And the reason I use the words, if I think you're drinking, and I specifically put that in there, because if you say, have you been drinking? Where are they going to say, they're going to say no. And then you're going to know darn that they have been so you can reserve the right and say, Hey, if I think this is happening, I'm just going to take the extra precaution and drive that way.
We don't have to fight or argue. It doesn't have to be weird. And I'm just going to drive them that way. Doesn't turn into a thing. And so that is, they don't have to agree or not agree with that. They don't have to like it or not like it because it's about you. It's a boundary about you. Now, like I said, tone, body language, you don't have to go into accusations.
You don't have to tell them they did it 15 times [00:30:00] before. You don't have to get them to admit that they did it yesterday. Put it out there and then just move on.
Shristi says, to what extent should we keep letting natural consequences happen and not interfere? I kept quiet after my loved one relapsed, but kept relapsing. But last week he fell down a flight of stairs and hurt himself pretty bad. Should I just let the natural consequences happen and not interfere?
This is another really good question. And it's a great boundaries question. If someone is an imminent danger to themselves and you need to take action, then you take action and that's usually like giant imminent safety issues or an issue where something is hurting a kid or a vulnerable adult or something like that.
Those are pretty clear ones in the situation that you're describing where it's like, they've relapsed. They probably haven't admit that they've relapsed, that they relapsed. You don't have to set a boundary around it necessarily, but you can say, Hey, I know that this is going on. And then just throw it out there.
You don't have to get them to [00:31:00] admit it. You don't have to get them to agree with it, but you can throw out there that, what's going on and then just move on and let it sink in. In fact, if you do that, I don't even suggest that you stick around and have a big conversation about it. I suggest that you throw it out there like a little drive by is what I call it, and just let it simmer in so that they can think about how to respond.
Because initially they're going to be defensive. They're going to deny it. They're going to gaslight you. They're going to do all the things. So just throw it out there. Okay. Super sweet. And then move on. That would be my suggestion. Cindy McMillan says question. Is it appropriate not to occasionally text I love you to my son.
If every time I do, it's like he remembers I exist. And then he pleads for money. I don't need the drama, but I want to connect. I really like this question Cindy, because this is about you, right? It's I want to let him know that I love him, but I know if I like open that door up, right? Then he's going to ask me for money and I don't like that.
And then I'm in a bad position. So for you to say, I'm not going to do that [00:32:00] because it just opens the door for. A not great dynamic. That is a very healthy boundary to set for yourself. And it may, you may feel a little guilty for it, right? You may feel like that gosh, I'm his mom, but here's the thing.
You've been texting that for a long time. He knows that you love him. That's why I always ask you for the money because he knows that you love him. He's going to use it against you and ask you for the money. Cause that's going to happen. It's going to work on you. What was it? I think I said this in a video not too long ago and I stole it from someone else, but it was like If it's between resentment and guilt you got to pick sometimes if you keep doing it, then the person, then you're going to be resentful about it.
If you don't do it, then you may feel a little bit guilty about it. But usually that guilt kind of dissipates, especially after you hold the boundary a time or two, you become really glad that you did.
Amanda Pants says, what are healthy repairs for being controlling when the other person has a lot of snark and resentment, backing up and trying to stay in my lane, but my loved one is sarcastically asking for permission. [00:33:00] Okay. I like this because what you're saying, Mandy, is you're saying maybe you realize that in the past you've been controlling and you're trying to, Do a better job on your boundary, but your loved one is doing the passive aggressive thing.
And they're using a bad boundary with you because they're having the snarky drive by comments or whatever the drive by knife things. That's what I call them. And so I would, I don't know that there is a, Boundary that you need to set about this. But what I might would just do in a situation like this is just say, Hey, I know I've been that way in the past.
And maybe there's reason for that comment, but it's hurtful. Or you can just take their passive cause most of them they're just making the snarky comment and they just want it to be left alone, but you can call the comment on to the table too. You can say, Hey Clearly, you're still upset with me about this.
Let's talk about it. Cause I don't really want to talk about it. They just wanted to make the smart key remark because it just made them feel better, more powerful. And so if they bring it up and you say, okay, let's talk about it. Like super non defensively, they'll stop doing [00:34:00] that. Cause they don't really want to talk about it.
They just wanted to get a dig in there at you.
Kim says my loved one. And I stink at communicating. I know many videos saying it's not necessary to communicate our boundaries to our loved one. But I also. Don't want him to be blindsided. Any thoughts, um, what you can do, Kim, is you can generally say where you stand if you're just really worried, cause what I hear you saying Kim is I just feel like I need to give him fair warning.
If this happens again, I'm leaving kind of thing or whatever. One thing to think about as far as this kind of thing goes with setting a boundary, Kim is that I think it's better if you're not super specific, because if you're super specific You'll back yourself into a corner. There's some videos I have on this when I talk about don't make home contracts and stuff like that.
But what you can say is, hey, I just want to let you know, I'm not going to live in this chaos forever. That's a general statement. You can say, I know that there's going to be some ups and downs in this. And I know that I've got to be a little bit flexible, but I'm not going to keep [00:35:00] myself or my kids or my family or whoever it is.
I know that there's In a bad situation forever. So you're throwing it out there. You don't have to say you get three relapses specifically. You don't have to say you get no relapses. You don't need to give the specifics. You don't really even need to give this warning, but if you feel a need, then just throw it out there in general.
And the reason I say general is because you leave yourself room for game time decision. Cause sometimes you throw it out there. You say, if you use one more time, I'm going to leave or whatever, but then you aren't really ready to leave for whatever, and then you go back on your boundary and then you're mad at yourself.
Sandra, how do you set a boundary? If they are taking something from you that is not theirs and won't give it back? The first boundary I think I would set Sandra is I would learn that I can't trust this person. To give me back things that I let them borrow or use or whatever that is. And so the first boundary is I wouldn't give or let them borrow anything else in the future if they're flat out stealing it from you or let's [00:36:00] say someone your friend borrowed your car or whatever And they just didn't bring you back Then you it may even come to the point where you need to take legal action What you don't want to do is get in a situation where you're trying to You Rationalize with them and convince them and talk to them about it on and on because that's where you're This is a this is not a talk about a situation.
It's an action situation. So so number one lesson is Protect yourself and prevent it from happening in the future. If that's possible I don't know, the person could be breaking into your house, stealing it, right? Like I get that. But a lot of times it's like you let someone have something or do something and then they just don't hold up their end of the bargain and you can take action on it if you need to.
Eric says, how do you set a boundary for those who want you to drop what you're doing so you can help them move out of an apartment to the next and trying to do that on their time schedule instead of theirs the. The first thing you do, the way you set a boundary is, Hey, I'd love to help, but I've got a crazy busy schedule.
So if you need my help moving, I'm going to need to know X amount of time, days ahead of it. And if you don't [00:37:00] know days that many days ahead of it, then you just don't do it. Or you can say, I'm, I totally want to help you. I'm available on this day or these days, or, but this day between this time and that time.
So you set the limits and boundaries around where you can be available or what's the appropriate way to. Ask you to be involved in that. If you have a friend who's wants to call you last minute, then you don't have to yell at them and say why do you always call me last minute? And you always do that.
But you can just say, oh man, I really would help you. I just, I had no idea that was going to be going on and I already have plans. So you just politely, that's called setting a boundary.
Barb says, is this a good boundary? My addict uses marijuana in the house and it triggers me. My boundary is that I plug in the wax smelts, leave the house, maybe walk the dogs for some time for the smell to dissipate and return home after I know the smell is all gone. Am I on track? I think that's more than reasonable, Barb.
Um, and I don't even know, and this is one of those boundaries that you don't [00:38:00] even, that I don't even know that you need to communicate. This is just, you almost making an agreement with yourself about how you're going to handle it, right? It's making a promise to yourself. Look, I hate the way that smells.
If I smell it, I'm going to leave the house. I'm going to put the wax melts. What most people would do, Barb, is they would try to do something like you can't use in the house. That's the boundary that most people think is the appropriate boundary. If it is their house, like I don't know if this is a spouse or if this is your kid, I don't know but If it's your spouse That's a hard boundary to hold because their house too, right?
And if it even if it's not your spouse and it's your kid, it's your friend. It's your sister or something like that then It's still another boundary That's going to be really hard to hold because if you are dealing with someone's living in your house And they're an addict and they're addicted to marijuana.
They're going to be doing it in your house So instead of telling yourself Telling them or telling yourself, they're not going to do it here. You need to have something more appropriate. And Barbara's just saying, Hey, I'm going to put the wax in, I'm going to leave. You could take an even bigger boundary to say, Hey, I'm just not comfortable living in the house where it smells like that.
So I'm going to [00:39:00] change my situation. You can do that if you want to, but yes that's completely appropriate.
Wookiee Talks says, how do I set a boundary for trust? Something like lending money for gas or for food, for groceries? I think I guess one of the things you can do, what a lot of people do is they say, sure, but I'd like to see the receipt. And you can do that, but it's a pain in the butt for you and them. And even if you give them the money and they spend your money on gas, but then they're spending their money on the other thing, you're probably really not getting the result that you want because you feel like okay, you're spending all my money for the bills, but you're spending your money for drugs or whatever.
So you're still probably frustrated. But what you, a boundary you can say is. And you don't have to say it to them. You can say it to yourself is if I feel like they're taking advantage of me, then I'm just not going to loan it. Or another boundary you could say is if it's going to have a a serious negative impact on my own finances or on the finances of my family or my household, then I'm not going to do it regardless of what it's for.
So Those are healthy boundaries for yourself [00:40:00] about where you're comfortable doing it, where you're not comfortable doing it. Other people said a literally amount, here's how much I can help you a week, a month, whatever, and they stick to it. Sometimes they say it and sometimes they don't. But there's different ways of going about doing that.
All right, guys, see you guys next time. Bye everybody.
