Feeling Held Hostage by Your Loved One’s Addiction? Here’s What You Can Do
Does it feel like every time you turn your back, they have a relapse? It’s like you can’t even go anywhere—afraid to leave for the afternoon to hang out with friends or go to a work event. The idea of being gone overnight or for multiple days? Forget about it. It’s nerve-wracking, and it feels like you have to babysit 24/7 just to keep things from falling apart.
If that sounds like your life, this is for you.
We don’t believe in waiting for rock bottom, and we definitely don’t believe that you’re powerless. If you have an addicted loved one, you have a lot of power and influence. And today, we’re talking about how to stop feeling like a hostage to their addiction and how to regain control of your life.
Understanding the “Coast is Clear” Trigger
So, what’s happening here? You may have noticed that every time you leave, your loved one relapses. Even if they say they’re trying to get sober, it seems like the second you’re gone, all bets are off. This pattern is incredibly common for people in early recovery. I call it the *Coast is Clear* trigger.
Here’s how it works: even if your loved one genuinely wants to stop using, as soon as no one is around to hold them accountable, they may automatically think, *“Okay, no one’s here—I can use.”* This mindset can be powerful, especially when combined with the faulty belief that, *“No one’s gonna get hurt if they don’t find out.”* Of course, we know that’s not true, but addiction thrives on that kind of self-deception.
Is It Your Job to Babysit?
Let me be clear: I don’t believe it’s your job to put your life on hold to babysit someone else’s sobriety. If your loved one is asking for help in the early stages of recovery, like saying they need you to stay close for a while, that’s understandable. But if they’re not asking for that kind of support, and they’re relapsing whenever you leave, they’re likely still in the bargaining phase of addiction.
The bargaining phase is where someone tries to negotiate with their addiction—telling themselves things like, “I’ll just use when they’re away,” or, “I’ll only use on special occasions.” If that’s what’s happening in your situation, you may need to stop avoiding leaving and just let them go through the process. It’s not your job to sit on top of them and make sure they don’t relapse—it’s their responsibility to address their own recovery.
Why It’s Time to Take a Step Back
If you keep staying home to prevent a relapse, you could be helping your loved one stay in denial. By avoiding leaving or altering your life around their addiction, you’re essentially allowing them to bargain with their sobriety.
The truth is, you can’t protect them from relapse forever, and you shouldn’t try. The faster you let those bargaining behaviors play out, the faster your loved one can move through the denial and start genuinely addressing their addiction. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary part of the process.
Tools to Help You Feel More Secure
If your loved one’s addiction is alcohol-related, there are tools like *SoberLink* that can help both of you feel more at ease. SoberLink is an alcohol monitoring device that removes the “Coast is Clear” trigger by providing constant accountability. It gives your loved one a way to stay sober even when you’re not there and helps you feel secure about leaving the house.
In fact, I’ve worked with clients who’ve used SoberLink for years—by choice—because it eases the tension of constant suspicion and allows both parties to feel more comfortable. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.
Take the Leap
It’s time to take a leap of faith and stop letting addiction hold you hostage. Go out for the afternoon. Take that weekend trip you’ve been putting off. Do what you need to do to live your life. If your loved one is sincere in their recovery, they’ll ask for help when they need it. If they’re not, no amount of babysitting will change that.
Remember, it’s not your responsibility to control their recovery. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and stop putting your life on hold. By stepping back, you’re giving them the opportunity to take responsibility for their own actions—and ultimately, that’s the only way they’ll get better.
Ready to Learn More?
If you want to dive deeper into relapse prevention, check out my playlist on **Relapse Prevention Strategies. It’s packed with practical tips and insights to help both you and your loved one navigate the road to recovery.
And if you’re interested in learning more about how SoberLink can help, I’ve included a link to that as well. It’s a fantastic tool for creating accountability and peace of mind in early recovery.
Amber Hollingsworth
Watch this video next titled, Exactly What to do If Your Loved One Relapses
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