Why They Won't Admit They Have a Problem

addiciton recovery addiction denial how to break through addiction denial Jan 20, 2026

Functional Alcoholic Denial: Why They Say They’re “Fine” (and What Actually Breaks Through)

If you’re dealing with a functional alcoholic—a spouse, partner, adult child, or parent who “still goes to work” and “handles business”—you’ve probably had this same maddening thought:

How can they look you in the eye and act like nothing’s wrong?

Functional alcoholism comes with a very specific kind of denial, and it’s tougher to break through than most people realize. Not because you’re doing it wrong… but because two major roadblocks are working against you from the start.

In this post, we’re going to unpack:

Why denial is so strong with functional alcoholics
Why your reality and their reality don’t match (and never will without help)
Whether recording them “to show them” is a good idea
The most important key to creating real change—without it turning into a war

What is a functional alcoholic?

A functional alcoholic is someone whose drinking is causing harm—emotionally, relationally, mentally, sometimes physically—while they still appear “fine” on the outside.

They may:

Keep a job
Pay bills
Show up to events
Seems responsible to friends or coworkers

But behind closed doors, you’re seeing the impact first:

Mood swings, irritability, “grumpy” behavior
Mean or cutting comments
Denial, blame, defensiveness
Broken promises
The relationship is constantly orbiting alcohol

And that “double life” is exactly why denial becomes such a brick wall.

The double whammy: 2 big reasons functional alcoholic denial is so strong

1) They’re still functioning, so they feel like they don’t have a problem

When someone is holding it together in most areas of life, their brain grabs onto that as proof:

“I’m still working.”
“I’m still handling responsibilities.”
“I’m not like those alcoholics.”

And if the only person consistently upset is you (the spouse, partner, parent, etc.), it’s even easier for them to decide:

“My problem isn’t alcohol. My problem is you.”

In their mind, the conflict is the issue—not the substance use.

Also, if they developed alcoholism after they were already an adult and established (career, routine, responsibilities), work is often the last place it shows up. They can function at work for a long time… even while everything at home is slowly falling apart.

2) Alcohol denial is deeper because memory is unreliable

Alcohol is different from many addictions in this way: it can mess with memory. Sometimes they don’t remember at all. Other times, they kind of remember—but not accurately.

So when you describe what happened, they genuinely feel like:

You’re exaggerating
You’re being dramatic
You’re “overreacting.”
You’re trying to control them

Meanwhile, you’re thinking:
“How can you not see how bad this was?”

Because they don’t remember it as you do.

And that gap—the mismatch between their memory and your reality—feeds denial hard.

“Should I record them and show them?” Sometimes it helps… sometimes it explodes.

A lot of people consider recording a loved one while they’re drunk to prove what’s happening.

Here’s the truth: I’ve seen it work, and I’ve seen it backfire.

Before you do it, think about this one question:

Are they capable of humility when confronted?

Some people can see themselves and say:

“Wow… that’s awful.”
“I can’t believe I acted like that.”
“I need to change.”

But other people will respond with:

rage
shame
intense defensiveness
blaming you for recording
doubling down even deeper

If your loved one tends to:

dig their heels in
get highly defensive
flip the script and make you the villain

…recording might not create insight. It may just create war.

Why it gets worse over time (even if they “seem fine”)

Alcoholism often takes hold slowly. That’s part of what makes it so tricky. There may not be one dramatic rock-bottom moment.

Instead, it’s subtle:

more frequent mood shifts
more conflict
more disconnection
more “walking on eggshells.”
more denial
less accountability

The people closest to them see it first. You speak up first. And then—because the discomfort is coming from you—they feel attacked… and their denial strengthens.

The key that actually breaks denial: discomfort that isn’t “because of you.”

This part matters a lot:

One of the biggest factors in breaking denial is that they have to experience uncomfortableness that does not come from you and cannot be traced back to you.

Because if the consequences feel like they’re coming from you, even if you’re 100% right, they can always rationalize it as:

“You’re controlling.”
“You’re the problem.”
“You’re nagging.”
“You’re trying to make me feel bad.”

So the real goal becomes this:

Stop trying to convince them they have a big problem.

Instead, start creating conditions where life makes the case—not you.

You need their motivators (yes, they have them)

Even when someone is in denial, there’s usually a piece of them that wants change. They may hide it. They may bury it. They may protect themselves from facing it.

But it’s there.

Your job isn’t to “win the argument.”
Your job is to learn:

What they care about most
What they’re afraid of losing
What they’re protecting themselves from feeling
What “appealing” change could look like for them

Because let’s be honest—being told:
“You have a giant problem, and you need treatment.”
doesn’t feel appealing.

So if you’re trying to influence change, you’ll often need a different approach:

less direct battling
more strategic positioning
more clarity around boundaries and consequences
more focus on what motivates them internally

What to do next if you’re stuck in the cycle

If you’re dealing with functional alcoholic denial, here are a few next steps that tend to actually help:

Identify the patterns: When does drinking cause the most harm? What happens after?
Stop arguing about labels (“alcoholic” vs “not alcoholic”) and focus on impact.
Pick boundaries you can keep (not threats, not ultimatums you won’t follow through on).
Get support for YOU—because doing this alone will wear you down fast.
Learn their motivators and how to bring them forward without triggering a defensive wall.

Want help learning how to break through functional alcoholic denial?

If you’re trying to figure out:

How to identify their internal motivators
What hidden roadblocks keep them stuck
How to influence change without pushing them deeper into denial

…then click the link to learn more about how to help a functional alcoholic face the problem.

👇Additional Resources:

💡 Amber's 30-Day Jump Start for Early Recovery
🧠 Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching
🔐 Rapid Relationship Repair Course
📱 24/7 Advice from Amber AI
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Consult with a Family Coach