How DENIAL Is QUIETLY RUINING You | Part 1 of Denial Decoded Series

How to Understand and Handle Denial: A Game-Changer for Dealing With Addiction

If you’ve ever felt frustrated trying to help a loved one who just can’t see how bad things have gotten — or if you’ve caught yourself minimizing your own unhealthy behaviors — you’re not alone. There’s a powerful psychological concept that explains this all too well, and once you grasp it, it will forever change how you handle denial in yourself and in others.

Welcome to Put the Shovel Down

Hi, I’m Amber Hollingsworth, creator of Put the Shovel Down — the YouTube channel designed to help you master the science and psychology of addiction so you can stay five steps ahead. With over 20 years of experience helping individuals and families overcome addiction, I’m here to remind you: You are NOT powerless.

Today, we’re digging deep into a truth about denial that most people overlook — and how you can actually work with it, not against it.

The Fancy Word You Already Know: Cognitive Dissonance

Let’s get straight to it: cognitive dissonance. Don’t let the term scare you — you’ve been an expert at it for years.

Cognitive dissonance is the squirmy, uncomfortable feeling you get when your actions don’t match your values or beliefs. For example, you tell yourself you’re on a health kick, but you grab that donut anyway — and then feel a little guilty inside. That guilt? That’s cognitive dissonance at work.

Or maybe you skip family dinner because you picked up an overtime shift, even though you promised yourself you’d spend more time at home. Cue the unease and inner tension.

This discomfort happens to everyone every single day. It’s normal. But here’s the kicker: it’s also the driving force behind denial.

What Cognitive Dissonance Has to Do With Denial

When you feel that tension inside, your brain automatically wants to get rid of it. So you might:

✅ Change your behavior (eat the salad instead of the donut)
✅ Change your thoughts (tell yourself it’s “just one donut”)
✅ Rationalize (“I deserve a treat, I worked hard today!”)
✅ Distract yourself (scroll your phone so you forget about it)
✅ Seek reassurance (vent to a friend who says, “Oh please, enjoy it!”)

All these tricks help you feel better, for now.

But when addiction enters the picture, things get more complicated. Addiction means your actions are constantly at odds with your core values. So your brain goes into overdrive, building elaborate excuses and stories to explain away the conflict. Over time, this becomes full-blown denial.

Denial Isn’t Just “Lying to Yourself”

Denial is much sneakier than outright lying — it’s a complex web of defense mechanisms that soothe your guilt and discomfort.

Here are some classic signs of denial you might recognize:

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “I still take care of my family.”

• “I don’t drink every day.”

• “It’s my only me-time.”

• “Everyone does it.”

• “You gotta die of something, might as well die happy.”

• “I promise I won’t let it happen again.”

Sound familiar? If you’ve heard these — or said them — that’s cognitive dissonance at work.

Why Understanding This Changes Everything

If you’re trying to help someone in denial, it’s tempting to push harder — show them how wrong they are, lay out the consequences, force them to see the truth. Unfortunately, this often backfires.

Here’s why: when you crank up the pressure, you crank up their discomfort, which automatically triggers more denial. They start telling themselves new stories, seeking reassurance from others, or finding “evidence” that their situation isn’t that bad.

So, What Actually Works?

The real key is learning how to sidestep those defense mechanisms without setting off emotional tripwires. This is exactly what we teach in our Invisible Intervention Program — and what I’ll cover in Part Two of this series.

In the meantime, if you want to learn what to say (and what NOT to say) when talking to someone struggling with addiction, grab my free guide: “Say This, Not That” — click here to download it now.

Final Thoughts

Denial isn’t stupidity or stubbornness — it’s a powerful survival mechanism for easing inner conflict. Understanding it is your first step to handling it — with empathy, patience, and strategies that actually work.

👉 Stay tuned for Part Two, where I’ll break down how to gently help someone move through denial, without pushing them further into it.

Until then, remember:
You can beat addiction. You don’t have to wait for rock bottom. And you are not powerless.

Amber Hollingsworth

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