What if you're making things worse?
I know you're trying to help, but if you've been saying any of the following statements to your addicted loved one, you are only making it worse.

"You need to get some help."

"You can't do this alone."

"You have to go to treatment."

"Have you called your counselor?"

"Did you make it to your meeting today?"

When you do this, you're hitting their defensiveness button, and all they can think about is why you're all wrong.

Get them to conclude that your help would be useful and make them think it's their idea.

Timing is everything when it comes to addiction. Your addicted loved one will have moments of clarity. Usually, these moments come after some not-so-great things have happened. Wait for this moment!

How do you recognize those moments?
They'll say things like, "Man, I'm sick of doing this. I can't believe I did that again. I don't want to do this anymore." They will let you know out loud that they want to do something different and they're...

If you can get your addicted loved one to start envisioning a future or something more hopeful, their journey towards sobriety will speed up, and you can help reinforce it.

I'm sure you're wondering, "Okay, Amber, how do we do that?"

The first thing you have to do is help them connect with their motivations for change.

Here's a tip:
If you listen closely enough, you will hear complaints or frustrations from the person. Their motivations may not seem to be tied directly to their addictive behavior, at least not in the way that they communicate it to you, but if they're wanting something in their life to improve or something about themselves to improve, those are great motivators.

Here are some examples:

• A young adult wanting to move out of their parent's house.
• Someone who wants a promotion at work.
• Someone who wants to be a good mother or father.

Everyone has something that they desire. We all do. Listen carefully to your addicted loved one's wants, desires, and goals.

Once...

I do not believe that someone has to hit bottom to get better. I do believe that someone's situation has to get uncomfortable. It's a law of human behavior that people do what works for them. They seek pleasure and avoid pain. If their addictive behavior is more pleasurable than painful, they're probably not going to change.

As their loved one, it's crucial to not interfere with the uncomfortableness and the difficulties as it happens. Don't fix their messes. Even for someone without an addiction, consequences matter. When it comes to addiction, substances act as anesthesia, so they won't feel the consequences nearly to the magnitude they would in a normal situation.

Consequences vs Punishment 

A lot of people confuse consequences with punishment. I want you to understand that punishment is something you dole out and a consequence comes naturally.

If your kid is failing their classes, the consequence is that they fail the class. Punishment is something that you do at home. They...

Does this sound familiar?

 
"I'm not an alcoholic, it's you. You're so controlling. I'm sick of you telling me I drink too much. I work hard, provide for this house, and take care of the kids. If I want to have a drink at the end of the day, who cares? I deserve it. You need to stop being so uptight."

Believe it or not, it's possible to take someone from that state of denial to take the steps necessary to get sober. You cannot make someone get sober, but you can influence them to do so.

Strategy #1-Build credibility with your loved one

If you don't build credibility, your opinion won't matter.

Not only does your opinion not matter, but when you don't have credibility with your loved one, sometimes they do the opposite of what you want despite you.

This last one is a bit controversial.

Building credibility with your addicted loved one is about helping them feel like you understand them and knowing their situation. Your opinion and advice won't matter when they think you don't...

After working in addiction and recovery treatment for almost 20 years, there are some not-so-pretty truths about the behind-the-scenes of the addiction treatment industry.
I want to help you understand this to be better equipped to pick the right help for you or a loved one.

The Diverse Treatment Options
One of the first things I want you to know is that there are different types of addiction treatment, from counseling to psychiatry, intensive outpatient programs, partial hospitalization programs, sober living, detox, recovery communities, and not-for-profit programs.
The first thing you need to do is educate yourself about what kind of options are out there.
When someone is ready to get help, they jump at whatever option is right in front of them.
I see this scenario play out often, and they usually don't make strategic decisions, which can waste a lot of time and money.
You only get so many shots at this and there are pros and cons to every single option.

I wrote an insider's guide on...

You can't force someone to admit that they have an addiction.
Honestly, the harder you try, the more they will dig in that they don't have an addiction. There are ways to get someone to admit to the issue without trying to force them.

Since I've been in the addiction recovery world for 20+ years, I have witnessed an abundance of denial, and denial is very, very powerful.
There are reasons why people either can't or won't see the issue, but I want to give you five tactics that I use to help you circumvent that denial ego defense mechanism.

Tactic #1 Keep the Conversation Light.
First and foremost, and maybe even most importantly, keep the conversation as casual, light, and short as possible.
Don't try to have a big talk with them because as soon as you start talking seriously, their defenses go up. Wouldn't yours? Their walls are going to go up immediately. If you're casual and comfortable in a conversation, the other person will too.

Tactic #2 Normalize the Addiction.
Try to normalize...

These are seven things that your addicted loved one will say to convince you they don't have a problem. These are just manipulation tactics, which is why I want you to be able to identify them and know what's happening when you hear them.

Manipulation #1 
Your loved one will likely tell you, "I'm not nearly as bad as all those people at the meetings or the treatment center. I don't even do it every day."

I call this--It's not as bad as you're making it to be a manipulation tactic.

Manipulation #2
This goes hand in hand with the first one. They will probably give you both at the same time.
"You are just so uptight, I don't know why you worry about this so much. You used to drink with me and be fun. This is a gaslighting manipulation technique.

If you want to know how to deal with manipulation tactics, my manipulation guide will cover different types of manipulation. The manipulation guide will give hints and pointers on how to deal with gaslighting.

Manipulation #3...

Is it Borderline Personality Disorder or Addiction?

Borderline personality disorder and substance use disorders frequently occur together, and there's a lot of overlap in symptoms.
How do you pull the pieces apart to see if you're dealing with addiction or borderline personality disorder?

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

You'll see frantic efforts to avoid reality or imagined abandonment. You're going to see a pattern of intense and unstable emotions. People with a borderline personality disorder often engage in dangerous impulsive acts like binge eating, reckless driving, excessive shopping, unsafe sex, and substance use disorders. You may also see self-harming behaviors and recurrent suicidal ideation. You'll see intense mood swings in someone with borderline personality disorder, and they'll often struggle with feelings of emptiness.

People with BPD may demonstrate inappropriate, very intense anger and sometimes feel disassociated from themselves and the world around...

It can be challenging to prove to your family, loved ones, and friends that you are serious about your recovery especially if you've tried several times before. These are the three most important steps you need to take to prove that you are serious about your recovery.

Don't you hate the dreaded question, "What will be different this time?"

Tip #1- Things you shouldn't say.
These are common statements for people in early recovery to say,
"I just want to put this mess behind me and move forward."

Now on the surface, there doesn't seem to be a lot wrong with that statement. To your family and your loved ones, it sounds like you want to forget every bad thing that happened and move forward without changing anything and never even acknowledging it.

I get why you would want to put it behind you, but most of the time family members think you have to deal with it to make sure it doesn't happen again. A better way to say that same thing would be to say, "You know what, this has been an awful...

Recently, one of our viewers asked the following question:

"Why does it seem that people with addictions (drug, alcohol, or any addiction) aren't able to self-soothe?

The truth is there are several reasons for this.

Reason #1

The first reason people with addictions have trouble self-soothing or coping with things is that they're on an emotional roller coaster.

They're alternating between feeling great and feeling terrible.
They're constantly on this treadmill.

A lot of the time, the person is in an actual withdrawal state. If you haven't experienced this before, I want you to take a minute and think about the last time you felt sick. At that moment, while you're lying in bed, you want the misery to end. Think about how well you coped with things when your kids needed something when your boss or work was calling you, asking you for something, think about how you felt inside your head.

I bet your emotional response wasn't as great as it usually would be because when we're in distress,...