If you have an addicted loved one and hear any of these statements, you are being manipulated.
We're going to look at gaslighting from the loved one's perspective. If you have an addicted loved one and say things like this to you, this is gaslighting.
If you've never heard that term before, it's where someone purposefully makes you feel like you're crazy.
There are a lot of ways this happens. Let's start with like the classic of all classics.
Let's say that you find drugs, alcohol, paraphernalia, whatever it is. You confront your loved one with it. They're going to say, "I forgot about that. That's been there forever!" or "That's my friends, it's not even mine!"
That is super classic.
You probably already know that's not true because you probably looked in that spot recently and knew it wasn't there, but they're going to make you doubt your sanity by telling you that. Then you're going to think, well, maybe it is old, and you're going to question. Before you know it,...
Abusing drugs and alcohol keep you stuck in a victim mentality. I'm going to give you the four reasons why that happens.
This is one of those uncomfortable truth kinds of moments. When you're overusing drugs and alcohol, it most certainly keeps you stuck in a victim mentality. You get stuck on past hurts, you get stuck on things going wrong in your relationship, and you don't get over lost dreams and hopes and disappointments. You stay stuck in financial worries, and there are several reasons for this.
#1 reason why addiction keeps us stuck in victim thinking
The first and one of the biggest reasons this keeps you stuck is because when we use substances, it causes us to ruminate over all the bad things that have ever happened to us.
We replay it over in our heads, and as we do that, those hurts get bigger. It's kind of like when a piece of gossip starts. The first time you tell it, it's dramatic enough, but by the 10th time you tell it, the whole story is even more outrageous....
The simplest, easiest, and most effective thing that you can do to help yourself or a loved one conquer addiction is to change your expectations. You might be thinking, Amber, that's some woo-woo stuff. I'm going to explain to you exactly why and how that works. How can you use these scientific evidence-based findings to help yourself or a loved one overcome addiction?
I am a big believer in what you expect to happen, will probably happen. I don't believe that because it's some kind of magic wish for and get what you want kind of thinking. There's actual science behind this.
Research about expectations
To understand this concept, we need to go back to 1968. When two researchers, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson, ran some studies about expectations.
They wanted to find out if the expectations a teacher has about her students will impact or affect the student's learning ability. They set up this study, and they pulled these kids randomly out of a hat and assigned them to...
How do you rebuild your self-esteem in the early recovery process? Many of you have been asking for me to address the issue of self-esteem.
I'm going to give you three actionable steps that you can take to build your self-esteem and your self-confidence in a way that will last.
Where does bad self-esteem come from?
Some people think that drug or alcohol addiction is a direct result of bad self-esteem, and I guess, in some situations, it could be. But when you have a drug or alcohol problem, it will result in bad self-esteem.
The reason that happens is you behave in ways that you usually wouldn't because of the addiction. You violate your boundaries in ways that you usually wouldn't. You let go of things that are important to you. You hurt people you care about, and the result is feeling horrible about yourself.
It's hard to dig out of the hole of addiction when you feel terrible and crappy about yourself.
Think about it as being in a relationship with somebody that's abusive....
I'm answering a viewer letter about a situation where more than one person struggles with addiction in one household.
We're going to take a look at the letter, and then I'll give my response and feedback.
"My husband is currently in rehab for alcoholism for the second time. He was in law enforcement for 15 years and had a very public DUI several years ago. He went to rehab for the first time and stayed sober for over two years.
He's been a binge closet drinker. In the last two years, he falls into a depression and drinks and leaves for days at a time to the woods with no communication. On December 30th, he left for five days. When he came back, he asked me for help and decided he should go to rehab.
He's now been there for a week. He sounds good, and I'm hoping he is gaining what he needs to help himself get through this for our relationship. We don't have any trust. He's s a good man, a hard worker, loving when he doesn't drink. The person we all want him to be...
You've probably heard of the three C's if you have a loved one struggling with addiction and are involved in family recovery. The three C's come from Al-Anon.
The three C's are:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.
To make it clear, you didn't cause the addiction. You can't control the addiction. You can't cure the addiction.
I want to add a fourth C, saying that you can CONTRIBUTE to the problem.
You might be contributing to your loved one's addiction in five ways.
I want you to understand that I'm not telling you that the addiction is your fault. The five behaviors that I'm about to explain trigger addiction.
It's easy for us to think about and see how addiction is the puppet master controlling all of our loved one's behaviors. I know you are behaving this way and doing these things because the addiction triggers you to react this way. However, like with an addiction, it is your responsibility to improve.
Sometimes we fail to see that addiction is not...
No matter how hard you try, your child is going to run into obstacles, difficulties, and roadblocks. They're going to have their challenges. It doesn't matter how much money, resources, or how many people you know. No matter how much you try, there will be problems and challenges. That's OKAY!
That's a good thing because that's how we build character. Knowing that you're creating confident, secure, resilient kids is one of the most important aspects of parenting. Easier said than done, right? The good news is it doesn't have to be perfect. Once you understand these principles, you might feel a little less pressure to make everything perfect, and your kid will feel a little less pressure, too.
(This topic is relevant to addiction, but it's also relevant to any parent out there. All of these strategies I'm about to give you can work on anyone, whether they're your kid, a work partner, a friend, or a spouse. This is how to help other people feel more confident, secure, and resilient.)...
How do you rebuild trust and put your relationship back together when alcoholism is in the equation? Let's look at four practical, helpful, and successfully proven strategies. If you do these four things, you'll be well on your way to putting your relationship back on track.
Anytime there's an addiction issue inside a relationship, you will develop trust issues on both sides. The person with the addiction also does not trust the family member because both people have probably been a little dishonest.
One practical and helpful tool that we use in our office is Soberlink.
Soberlink is an alcohol monitoring system that has proven highly effective in restoring the relationship. Family and trust and helping people along their journey in recovery. What Soberlink does is provide accountability for the person in early recovery, and it gives the family peace of mind.
Long before Soberlink sponsored my channel, I've been a huge fan. We've used...
How do you effectively manage your emotions? There are several ways to do this effectively, and we're going to start with part one, managing your emotions by controlling the influence you have in your life.
What are you allowing to consume your time, energy, and your thoughts? What and who we put ourselves around has major control over how we think, feel, and our behavior. If you want to have better control of yourself, you have to have a little more control over what you allow into your environment. Do you put yourself around negative people? We've all had someone in our life who's always down, depressed, or in a crisis.
Have you ever heard the saying, you are what you eat, as in the nutrition you put into your body? It has to do with how your body functions and works. Well, think about your friendships in this way, as far as an influence. You are only as healthy emotionally as the connections that you have.
Do you have people in your life that aren't...
What do you do when someone continuously breaks your boundaries?
Do you have a person like that in your life?
Is it a friend, a family member, a loved one, a coworker, or a boss?
Boundaries are a huge topic in the realm of addiction recovery.
Now you might be thinking this video is only for the family members. Wrong! This video is for anyone who wants to learn more about holding healthier boundaries and how to do it more effectively. I know how frustrating it is to have a person in your life that can't seem to respect your boundaries.
The hard truth is no one else can break your boundary. Only YOU can break your boundary.
If someone else is crossing lines that you don't want them to cross, it means you're allowing them to break your boundary. It's so easy to fall into the idea that it's the other person that's the bad guy. I understand that on some level. Unfortunately, It doesn't work that way and ultimately falls on us to keep our boundaries. It's easy to get confused because we...