When we think about aggression and violence in relationships, the narrative often centers on men as the perpetrators. But what happens when the roles are reversed? Society tends to downplay or dismiss violent behavior from women, especially when alcohol is involved. This oversight can have devastating consequences, as seen in several recent high-profile cases.

The Cases That Demand Attention

1. Courtney Clenney and Christian Obumseli
   Courtney Clenney, an OnlyFans model, fatally stabbed her boyfriend, Christian Obumseli, in their Miami apartment. Reports revealed a history of volatile and aggressive behavior, often fueled by alcohol. Despite clear warning signs, her behavior was overlooked or excused until it escalated to tragedy.
2. Melissa Turner and Matthew Trussler
   Melissa Turner, a cosplayer, was convicted of killing her boyfriend, Matthew Trussler, during a drunken argument. Evidence showed a pattern of aggression when she drank, but like many cases, it was brushed aside as “just t...

 You Found Evidence Your Loved One Relapsed, Now What?

You thought things were going well. Your loved one said they were sober. Life felt stable—maybe even hopeful again. Then one day, while taking out the trash or sorting through laundry, you find something: an empty bottle. A piece of paraphernalia. A receipt that just doesn’t add up.

Suddenly, your heart sinks.

Are they using again?
Were they lying this whole time?
What do I even do now?

If you’ve been here, you know this moment well. It’s emotional. Confusing. Sometimes even paralyzing. And it’s exactly the type of crisis moment that can either blow up into chaos—or become a turning point.

First Things First: Take a Breath

When you find evidence of a possible relapse, you’re going to feel angry, hurt, scared, and betrayed. That’s normal. Those feelings are valid.

But before you confront them or go full CSI-mode, pause. The way you respond in this moment matters a lot.

Reacting with yelling, accusations, or passive-aggress...

A Tragic Wake-Up Call: Addiction, Denial, and the Hidden Dangers to Our Children

Last week, I came across a story that sent chills down my spine, and I haven’t been able to shake it since. As someone who works with families impacted by addiction every day, this one hit especially hard. Not just because of the heartbreaking outcome, but because it could easily happen to any family dealing with substance abuse behind closed doors.

I was driving home from work, listening to one of my favorite true crime creators, Stephanie Harlow. Her newest case was about a 2-year-old girl named Parker Chez, who tragically died after being left in a hot car on a day when temperatures soared above 100 degrees. That alone is gut-wrenching, but it’s the addiction component woven into the story that made it feel painfully familiar.

The Hidden Addiction Behind the Headlines

Parker’s father, Christopher, was the primary caregiver while the mother, Erica, a medical professional, was the main breadwinner. ...

The Truth About Helping an Addicted Loved One: 3 Strategies That Actually Work

If you're trying to help someone struggling with addiction, you've probably been given the same old advice over and over again:

• Use tough love and let them hit rock bottom.

• Stage a dramatic intervention.

• Or do nothing and hope they eventually want to change.

But what if there was a better, smarter fourth option?
An approach that doesn't wreck your relationship or your sanity but still moves your loved one toward recovery.

Option #1: The Tough Love Approach

You've probably heard this one before:
"Kick them out. Cut them off. Let them hit bottom."

It's been the go-to strategy for decades. And while it can seem empowering at first, here's the truth:

Tough love has a high emotional cost—and a low success rate.

Let's be real: addiction continues despite consequences. That's the definition of addiction. At the same time, natural consequences can play a role in helping someone see th...

How to Help Someone With Addiction Get Better Faster

If you're doing everything you can to help a loved one struggling with addiction and wishing the recovery process could just go faster—you’re not alone. The good news? There is a way to accelerate the journey from addiction to recovery—and it all starts with understanding their mindset and using proven strategies to shift it.

This post breaks down actionable techniques that help family members guide their loved ones through the hardest parts of recovery. These tips come from more than 20 years of experience in addiction counseling, and they work.

Why Denial Is the First Roadblock

This blog is the third part of our crash course on denial. If you haven’t seen the first two videos, they focus on how to get your loved one to face the truth—because change starts with acknowledgment.

Once they begin to recognize that everything isn’t fine, the discomfort can create an opening for change. But if you want to take things a step further...

How to Get Someone to Face the Truth About Their Addiction — Without Pushing Them Away

Trying to help someone you love see the truth about their addiction can feel like trying to get the perfect oven temperature for a Thanksgiving turkey — too cold and nothing happens, too hot and you burn the house down.

If you’ve ever tried to confront a loved one about their drinking, drug use, or destructive habits, you know exactly what I mean.

I’m Amber Hollingsworth, and here on Put The Shovel Down, we don’t just share success stories — we break down the how and why behind addiction and recovery so you can stay five steps ahead.

Let’s talk about how to get through to someone in denial without accidentally driving them deeper into it.

Why Most Attempts to “Wake Someone Up” Backfire

Here’s the thing: your instincts might be telling you to “just lay it all out.”
To tell them how they’re ruining your life, their life, the kids’ lives — and hope that reality will snap them out of it.

But gue...

How to Understand and Handle Denial: A Game-Changer for Dealing With Addiction

If you’ve ever felt frustrated trying to help a loved one who just can’t see how bad things have gotten — or if you’ve caught yourself minimizing your own unhealthy behaviors — you’re not alone. There’s a powerful psychological concept that explains this all too well, and once you grasp it, it will forever change how you handle denial in yourself and in others.

Welcome to Put the Shovel Down

Hi, I’m Amber Hollingsworth, creator of Put the Shovel Down — the YouTube channel designed to help you master the science and psychology of addiction so you can stay five steps ahead. With over 20 years of experience helping individuals and families overcome addiction, I’m here to remind you: You are NOT powerless.

Today, we’re digging deep into a truth about denial that most people overlook — and how you can actually work with it, not against it.

The Fancy Word You Already Know: Cognitive Dissonance

Let’s get st...

How to Stay Strong in Recovery: Protecting Your Fire When Life Gets Hard

Welcome back! You’ve made it to part three of our series on how to walk away from addiction—and never look back. If you haven’t seen parts one or two yet, no worries. You can jump in here and go back later, or start from the beginning if you want the full experience. Either way, you're in the right place.

Recovery Is Just the Beginning

If you’ve been following along, you’re starting to see a big truth: walking away from an addiction is only the first step. What really keeps you going is building a meaningful life—one that’s worth staying sober for. But let’s be honest—life doesn’t always make it easy to keep that momentum.

This blog is your guide to staying strong in recovery, even when life throws you curveballs. We'll show you how to keep that fire of recovery burning bright—no matter what challenges come your way.

🔥 Think of Your Recovery Like a Fire

Imagine your recovery journey like building and maint...

Walking Away from Addiction is Just the Beginning—Now Let’s Build What Comes Next

In Part 1 of this series, we talked about the power of focusing on what you have instead of what you’re giving up. But here’s the truth:

Walking away from addiction is only the first step.

The real transformation happens when you ask yourself:
“What am I walking toward?”

In this post, we're diving into how to build a life so meaningful and fulfilling that you don’t even feel the urge to look back.

Why You Need a Vision Bigger Than Sobriety

Recovery isn’t just about not using. It’s about building a life that you actually love waking up to.

And just like building a house, you’ve got to start with the foundation. That foundation? It’s your core values.

Step 1: Identify Your Core Values

Addiction pulls us away from who we truly are. It leads us to act in ways that go against our internal compass, and that disconnect creates deep shame and pain.

To build your recovery on solid ground, you must reco...

How to Break Free from Addiction and Never Look Back

Have you ever felt like addiction just won’t let go? Like no matter how hard you try, it keeps whispering in your ear, telling you you’re missing out or giving up too much?

That’s not a coincidence. It’s a trap—and it’s the oldest trick in the book.

Literally.

Addiction’s Origin Story: A Lesson from Adam and Eve

Let’s go back to one of the oldest stories we know: Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. They had access to everything—peace, beauty, abundance. But they were told not to eat from one tree. One. And what happened? The serpent whispered. The focus shifted to the one thing they “couldn’t” have.

That whisper is what addiction does. It pulls your focus to what you can’t have, not what you already do.

Focus is Everything—What You See is Where You Go

Recovery is about retraining your focus.

Imagine a tightrope walker. If they look down, they fall. They have to fix their eyes on the end goal. The same applies to addiction:...