Is Alcohol Causing Issues in Your Marriage? How to Stop Obsessing About Your Spouse's Drinking

Alcohol can be a challenging issue in a marriage. Suppose you have frequent conversations that turn into arguments about your spouse's drinking, and you're constantly obsessing about how much they drink or whether they're drinking at all. In that case, it's natural to be concerned. However, healthier ways exist to address this problem and stop obsessing about your spouse's drinking.

When one person in a relationship develops an alcohol use disorder, it affects both partners and creates problems for everyone involved. The worry and preoccupation of suspecting your spouse have an alcohol problem can lead to behaviors like spying, checking, questioning, and even smell checking. Unfortunately, you often don't get the truth when you ask your spouse about their drinking.

This preoccupation with finding the truth becomes a vicious cycle. You become focused on proving a problem while your spouse...

The most common mistake people make when dealing with alcohol-related issues is waiting until they've lost everything before making a change. The notion of hitting rock bottom as a prerequisite for change is a myth and a dangerous belief. To debunk this idea, I've invited my friend Leon from the YouTube channel Sober Leon to share his personal and professional experiences overcoming alcohol-related challenges.

I've long enjoyed Leon's because his channel perfectly aligns with my philosophies. I urge you to pay close attention as Leon outlines four signs indicating it's time to change.

Leon: Various images come to mind when we think of rock bottom. Perhaps it's someone who has just been arrested or received a DUI or someone checking themselves into rehab. There are many interpretations of rock bottom.

I have experienced countless rock bottoms. I've reached points where I vomited blood on a computer, ran out of money, and even borrowed money from my family. Alcohol has caused...

People frequently discuss the low success rate of addiction treatment centers, which is generally below 20%. This seems insufficient, especially considering the high cost of these centers. However, the issue is not that their programs are ineffective or provide poor guidance.

Addiction treatment centers may have the necessary counselors and resources, but their success rates in achieving long-term recovery are low. This is because they often neglect the most crucial factor for long-term recovery.

That factor is motivation.

Addiction treatment centers can improve their ability to address an individual's motivation to recover by avoiding the assumption that every patient is inherently motivated to be there. Additionally, staff should not accept that they cannot assist someone until they are completely committed to recovery.

If someone is not benefiting from addiction treatment, it may be because they are not fully committed to sobriety. However, there is a specific rationale behind...

Unfortunately, Joe's story is common among college students and young adults. Many individuals in this age group engage in excessive drinking and partying, often without fully realizing the potential consequences of their actions. Joe's experience demonstrates the struggle of losing control over substance use and the difficulties of seeking help.

At first, Joe resisted assistance and denied the severity of his addiction. This is a typical response, as individuals caught in the grip of addiction often have difficulty acknowledging the problem. It may take time for them to fully understand the negative impact of their substance abuse on their lives and those around them.

Fortunately, Joe eventually recognized the seriousness of his addiction. This realization likely came about through the persistence and support of his parents, who were concerned about his well-being. 

I want to emphasize the importance of seeking professional help for addiction. Addiction is a complex issue...

If you have an addicted loved one and want change, yelling, nagging, threatening, and pleading will do nothing except slow down the process. Stop trying those tactics. 

I've been treating people with addictions for 20 years and learned a lot over those 20 years. A lot about how to get someone out of denial, how people are thinking and feeling, how to remove roadblocks and help people decide to turn their life around. I'm here to help teach you everything I've learned...

I know it's hard not to yell, threaten, nag, and plead. It's an emotional reaction, and I feel this—the same way. Even after doing this for so long, I still want to do that. I have to fight it, and now and then, it still sneaks through.

Not only is it not practical to yell, nag, or threaten, but it will also not help you get your loved one to straighten up. Your loved one will run and get as far away as possible. Not only physically but also emotionally get far away.

Addiction counselors use a specialized...

If your addicted loved one is manipulating you, what that means is they are pressing some button that you already have, and they're using that against you. Emotional buttons include fear, guilt, embarrassment, anger, and shame. Your loved one knows exactly what your buttons are and which ones have a trigger, and their addiction will undoubtedly use those emotional buttons against you.

Guilt has always been a massive button for me. I naturally feel terrible when I see other people suffering or uncomfortable, even if I know they did it to themselves.

I grew up in a very addicted family, and one of the people that was addicted in my family was my older half-sister. She got pregnant at a very young age, had lots of kids, and was always struggling, and I always felt bad because she had such a hard time paying her bills and even having regular life necessities for her and her kids. So not only did I feel bad for her for suffering, but I felt extra guilt with the idea that her kids could...

Special guest Justin Sunseri, LMFT, explains the relationship between trauma, addiction, and the Polyvagal Theory.

Learn more from Justin about Polyvagal Theory and self-regulationhttps://www.justinlmft.com/ 

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When engaging in these people-pleasing, codependent type behaviors, we're telling ourselves that it's because we don't want to upset someone else. This is a hard pill for everyone struggling with codependency.

Yes, I include myself in this category.

We don't want them to feel rejected. We don't want them to feel abandoned. We don't want them to experience pain and suffering. So we're telling ourselves we're just looking out for this other person, but the truth is quite different.

The real reason why we get stuck in these codependent people-pleasing patterns is that we can't deal with the uncomfortableness.

It's because we feel guilty for not doing something for someone else. It's because we feel like someone else will abandon us, reject us, or get mad at us. So it's not about the other person at all. It's always about us. And this is a hard truth because we've been telling ourselves this whole time that we're kind, caring, empathetic, and caring about the other person. And there...

Does the Addict/Alcoholic in Your Life Constantly Make You Feel Guilty?

The number one way you're being manipulated by your addicted loved one is guilt, and that guilt button is causing you to do and say everything you don't and shouldn't be saying and doing. 

You must manage your guilt.

Five ways someone might be pressing your guilt button:

1. "It's your fault!"

The number one is the most direct pathway to guilt when being told or hearing messages implying it is all your fault.

Here are some examples of how that might look in a real-life situation.

"I wouldn't have to drink if you weren't nagging me constantly."

"I wouldn't have to hide my use if you weren't uptight and crazy about it."

"I developed this problem because of what you did to me in the past, and now this is my only way of coping."

"Hey, I was like this when you got with me. You knew what you were in for, and now you've changed your mind."
Those are all straightforward ways a person might press your guilt button.