If you have an addicted loved one and want change, yelling, nagging, threatening, and pleading will do nothing except slow down the process. Stop trying those tactics. 

I've been treating people with addictions for 20 years and learned a lot over those 20 years. A lot about how to get someone out of denial, how people are thinking and feeling, how to remove roadblocks and help people decide to turn their life around. I'm here to help teach you everything I've learned...

I know it's hard not to yell, threaten, nag, and plead. It's an emotional reaction, and I feel this—the same way. Even after doing this for so long, I still want to do that. I have to fight it, and now and then, it still sneaks through.

Not only is it not practical to yell, nag, or threaten, but it will also not help you get your loved one to straighten up. Your loved one will run and get as far away as possible. Not only physically but also emotionally get far away.

Addiction counselors use a specialized...

If your addicted loved one is manipulating you, what that means is they are pressing some button that you already have, and they're using that against you. Emotional buttons include fear, guilt, embarrassment, anger, and shame. Your loved one knows exactly what your buttons are and which ones have a trigger, and their addiction will undoubtedly use those emotional buttons against you.

Guilt has always been a massive button for me. I naturally feel terrible when I see other people suffering or uncomfortable, even if I know they did it to themselves.

I grew up in a very addicted family, and one of the people that was addicted in my family was my older half-sister. She got pregnant at a very young age, had lots of kids, and was always struggling, and I always felt bad because she had such a hard time paying her bills and even having regular life necessities for her and her kids. So not only did I feel bad for her for suffering, but I felt extra guilt with the idea that her kids could...

Special guest Justin Sunseri, LMFT, explains the relationship between trauma, addiction, and the Polyvagal Theory.

Learn more from Justin about Polyvagal Theory and self-regulationhttps://www.justinlmft.com/ 

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
FREE Downloadable Resources 

Get access to our advanced family recovery skills 

‍FB group for family members 

Watch this video next: 

When engaging in these people-pleasing, codependent type behaviors, we're telling ourselves that it's because we don't want to upset someone else. This is a hard pill for everyone struggling with codependency.

Yes, I include myself in this category.

We don't want them to feel rejected. We don't want them to feel abandoned. We don't want them to experience pain and suffering. So we're telling ourselves we're just looking out for this other person, but the truth is quite different.

The real reason why we get stuck in these codependent people-pleasing patterns is that we can't deal with the uncomfortableness.

It's because we feel guilty for not doing something for someone else. It's because we feel like someone else will abandon us, reject us, or get mad at us. So it's not about the other person at all. It's always about us. And this is a hard truth because we've been telling ourselves this whole time that we're kind, caring, empathetic, and caring about the other person. And there...

Does the Addict/Alcoholic in Your Life Constantly Make You Feel Guilty?

The number one way you're being manipulated by your addicted loved one is guilt, and that guilt button is causing you to do and say everything you don't and shouldn't be saying and doing. 

You must manage your guilt.

Five ways someone might be pressing your guilt button:

1. "It's your fault!"

The number one is the most direct pathway to guilt when being told or hearing messages implying it is all your fault.

Here are some examples of how that might look in a real-life situation.

"I wouldn't have to drink if you weren't nagging me constantly."

"I wouldn't have to hide my use if you weren't uptight and crazy about it."

"I developed this problem because of what you did to me in the past, and now this is my only way of coping."

"Hey, I was like this when you got with me. You knew what you were in for, and now you've changed your mind."
Those are all straightforward ways a person might press your guilt button.

Now, when you saw the title, you were probably thinking about all the medical or physical aspects of alcoholism, like cirrhosis of the liver. But, still, there are many ways that alcoholism destroys our bodies. Yes, it attacks our liver, but it also attacks our heart, mind, pancreas, immune system, and brain, dramatically increasing your chances of having numerous types of cancer.

Now, I often hear people say things like yeah, this partying and this drinking and all this stuff; it will probably make my life shorter, but I will have a lot of fun in the meantime. And if that were true, I'd be OK with it. But in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

When people say that, it's almost like you're imagining one big giant party and significant time and excitement, and then one day, you drop dead of alcoholism. But, unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way most of the time. It's a much more drawn-out, slow, and painful death than you imagine.

And while all those physical...

When you're in early recovery, how do you care for yourself and your family simultaneously?

A lot of people will tell you not to do this. They'll say things like recovery is selfish, focus on you, focus on staying sober. But to do that, you have to avoid your family who's on your butt, who's watching you like a hawk, who's maybe putting down a lot of boundaries and controlling, and so you're trying to ignore them, and this triggers your family and makes them do it more, which is triggering for you.

If you stop ignoring them, they will stop spying, controlling, snooping, questioning, and making passive-aggressive comments. Can you imagine how much easier getting sober will be when you don't have your family breathing down your neck every second?

The first thing you have to do is stop the addicted behavior.
If the addiction continues, you can't heal the family, so you must be solidly committed.

 Once you have the addictive behavior somewhat stable, you want to...

The reason alcohol is so addictive is because of social reinforcement.
It is the only drug you will feel embarrassed about not doing.

Now, marketing companies make it seem cool, sexy, and exciting, and start creating peer pressure from a very early age. So we're getting messages that adults do this to have fun. This will make you an exciting person others want to be around. So we start believing that long before we ever even try it.

There's a placebo effect connected with alcohol; remember when you first started drinking alcohol, and you didn't like it, and it tasted nasty, but everyone around you was telling you you're going to like it and it's going to be great. And everyone looked like they were having fun. So then you start acting like you're having fun with it.

It's reinforced in almost every single direction.

My clients who decide to stop drinking alcohol are worried about not having the alcohol and cravings and withdrawal and stuff like that, but you know what they...

Interlock device or Soberlink device, which one is right for your situation?

I'm still going to give you my objective opinion about both of these devices because each has its pros and cons, and each one fits a slightly different situation, and I want you to make an informed decision about what's right for you. So the most natural place to start is to tell you precisely what Interlock and Soberlink devices are.

An interlock device is an alcohol breathalyzing device that gets installed into your car, and the car doesn't start until you've taken a blood alcohol test, like you blow into the thing and pass it.

Once you do that, then you can start your car. Now, it's not just for when you start the car; you must continue to take breathalyzing tests as you drive down the road. A lot of my clients call this the blow-and-go. Most of the time, people get an interlock device after some legal issue, like a DUI.

A Soberlink is also a breathalyzing device, but it's not attached to your car....